"Mom, why are you crying?"
"I don't really know. I'm just tired I guess."
blank stares
"Don't worry, you'll see one day. Your wife will just burst into tears and there may be no real reason."
Here I am with pizza on my plate, my youngest in my lap, and tears running down my face. Friday is pizza night but today is Monday and here we are having pizza. Yes my oven works, I have frozen chicken and ground beef in the freezer, plenty of food to cook but tonight we are having pizza...delivered.
I think back on the beginning of summer and how I expected it to go. Excited for the routine, the schedule, and the catch up we would do with school. But why do I do this to myself and my family? Why do I set us up to fail and why have I not figured out that my plans never work when the Lord isn't involved? Schedules, meal plans, routines, and clothes hung up in rainbow order. I love life when it's predictable and easy. Order equals control and it's a part of my flesh I'm having the most difficult time letting go of.
I'm learning quickly that God didn't create me to do easy. He is pruning me to be who He intended me to become. I'm watching life around me during these long summer days and realize that my hardest day doesn't compare. I see a little girl whose family dropped her off with strangers at a home depot because they didn't want her anymore. A mom with a new baby that doesn't have the money to buy formula. A little boy that won't talk to grown-ups because no one ever talks to him. A young teenager that rides a train for eight hours to return back to a home where he isn't wanted. A family stepping up to God's calling when it's hard and painful.
My day was uncomfortable and helping others can be exhausting and understanding the line between helping others without sacrificing your own family can become blurry. I'm currently walking that line and setting boundaries is getting harder and harder.
At dinner, I looked at my boys and asked them how they were feeling about our day and saying yes to helping. They both looked at me and said "mom, I'm happy to help them"
The desire of my heart is to be eternally focussed and trying to put into perspective what truly matters. Being comfortable in the here and now is not what my family is called to do. Dying to self, learning to sacrifice, and love till it hurts is the road that I'm glad the Lord is calling us down.
We might not have gotten school done, had a lot of free time, or had the most patient attitudes but this summer has been used to grow relationships, love on others, and sacrifice our comfortable lives. This summer is the summer that I will remember my oldest asking Christ into his heart and learning to love Jesus first. This summer has been nothing I wanted yet everything I've needed.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
