He Speaks Through Feet

John 13:1-17 gives the account of the last supper. It was customary in those days to wash your feet before a meal, usually it would be a servant's job to do this. As the disciples were sitting down with Jesus for their last supper together, feet dirty and no servant around, Jesus rose from the table and began washing their feet. This act was of great humility and servanthood. Being a follower of Christ, we are to emulate him and serve one another in lowliness of heart and mind while building each other up in love and humility.

As we are going through this process of getting Marco home, people have been serving me through their feet. We are doing a fundraiser that takes worn out shoes, bags them up, and then they are sent to developing countries, given to individuals to resell in order to create an income for them and their families. In return, the organization pays us per pound for shoes to help fund our adoption.

I had no idea that the response would be this great, I didn't know that I was this loved.  Marco will be brought home by people's stinky, smelly shoes and it's amazing!!!  There are many people working on collecting shoes and most of the shoes given are from people that don't know me and will probably never meet my family. I have friends that I haven't seen or spoken to in years that have stepped up to give. New friends, strangers, neighbors, organizations, and precious people in my life are stepping out in faith to give, love and support our family. If you have given, are working on collecting, or have prayed for our family I thank you from the bottom of my heart! My cup overflows and know that you are playing a vital role in bringing Marco to a family that will love him and cherish him for all of his days. I am brought to tears almost on a daily basis when a new text comes in saying they are praying for us, or someone drops off a bag of shoes, or a donation pops up unexpectedly.  There are many steps to getting Marco back and one of the biggest hurdles is the financial side of things.  YOU are making this happen!

Saying Goodbye

3:30, my alarm goes off. It's pitch black outside and quiet in the house. My babies are sleeping. If I don't wake anyone up and just go back to sleep, maybe he doesn't have to go.  Maybe he can just stay forever. My heart was hurting. Thirty-two days of Marco, that's all we've had together. Thirty-two days of being a family of six and thirty-two days of my boys having another brother.  Thirty-two days...
We wake up, get dressed, and sneak out of the house making sure we don't wake the cousins. As we drove to the airport, there was quiet all through the car. Silence breaks as Christopher asks

"can I go with Marco to  Fillpeens?"

My baby, the one who struggled the most with our newest addition, is going to miss him.  My throat clogs up and I begin to feel the first tears.  As we walk into the airport, memories fill my mind of just one month ago being in the same place, picking up a little boy that we had never met, and flashbacks over the last 32 days of falling in love.  I realized that this was the end and I had no idea when I would see him again.  I began to sob, right there in the middle of the terminal. Jeff grabs me and I bury my face in his chest.  I didn't want to say goodbye.

We got to be with him and the four other loves for about an hour. I watched him and his sweet friends laugh and talk in their language. Families there soaking up the last few moments with their kids, sharing memories of their time together, and holding them close. The time comes to send them through security and give them one last hug and kiss. Marco buries his head in my side, tears streaming down his face and I bend down, look into his eyes and tell him I love him and will see him soon.

"I love you too, Mommy"

He goes to Jeff, holding him close and just cries. I look around and see tears flowing everywhere. Brothers and sisters, moms and dads, and the precious kids. Hurting hearts and no way to mend them.  As we say our last goodbyes I turn and look at Jeff and see tears running down his cheeks. Our wedding day was the last time I've seen him cry-almost 12 years ago- and his heart is breaking to the point he can't hide it. This child has changed us all. 

..........

As the music plays and crowds fill in to worship, all I can do is cry.  He's supposed to be here with us, there's an empty seat beside me and he's not here. I look over at my sweet boys and see my precious Mark crying. I pull him close and finally just pick him up. He lays his head on my shoulder and we stand, listening to the music, praising our Savior, and bawling our eyes out.  At that moment I saw more of the story.  I saw Mark experiencing another loss, remembering his own story and reliving the losses he's already had. The excruciating pain of losing Marco, a boy he's come to know and love as his brother and losing his own family of origin. And having no control over any of it. 

I got to love on Matk and hold him for most of the service, my 10 year old, my sweet, sensitive boy growing up and becoming an amazing young man. I never did get to wipe Mark's tears when he was a baby, or spend precious time in the middle of the night attaching and sacrificially loving him, but the Lord awarded that time to me today.  It's a moment that I will treasure. 

I keep looking for him, counting my boys looking for the one that's missing and then realizing he's not here. We are a family of five, waiting for number six to return. I'm holding on to hope that we will be reunited again and that God will work miracles in this story. 

Thank you sweet friends for checking on us today and praying for our family.  We are hurting but I trust that our pain will turn to joy soon!

Jacob's thoughts during church. "Marco I miss you"

Spending time together at the beach on Saturday 

Sweet Brothers

My little gentlemen 

Loving on the cousins. 

One Thankful Heart

I want to recap some of the moments I've had over the past couple of days.  God shows up in powerful ways just at the right time and in ways that blow me away.  

We were celebrating my oldest son's birthday on Saturday as he is officially 10 and according to him, he's almost grown.  So I had just finished making his cupcakes when I suddenly got sick.  I mean really sick.  It was the strangest thing and I was all alone with five boys.  This was one of the only times Jeff has ever had to work on a Saturday and my sister was at my parents with her two little ones so I didn't have anyone readily available.  I found myself in bed as lunchtime was nearing and realized that there was no way I could get up long enough to make lunch for everyone.  So I called in my Mark.  He comes running and in the most precious, sincere voice he asks "How can I help you mom??"  When I ask him to make lunch for everyone he jumped up and became a little grown up all at once, and took care of five sweet little lives.  No complaints and everyone ate.    

About the time Mark was putting the finishing touches on lunch my mom walks in and cleans up the kitchen knowing I had family coming in just a few short hours.  Marco then runs into my bedroom, lays his head on my chest and begins to cry.  As I probe him to tell me what is going on, he looks into my eyes and says "I don't want to leave you."  Oh sweet baby, how I don't want you to ever leave...

As nap time comes for my youngest little mess, he comes skipping down the hall and jumps into bed with me, lays right down and snuggles into my side.  He puts his hand on my face and proceeds to pray, "Tank you God for mommy to feel better.  Amen"  

Words and actions from my sweet boys that I don't deserve.  Love from my mom that is overwhelming, and to know that these were just the beginnings of sacrifices people were about to make for me.  

Now today happens.  Have you ever had a day that puts you on the highest cloud and then Satan tries to brings you back down to the lowest low?  As I kick off a shoe drive fundraiser to bring Marco home, I have a conference call for what Sunday will look like when we take Marco back to the airport.  I'm listening to the lady on the other end tell us that our goodbyes need to be quick, we need to walk away without breaking down, and to not linger at the airport.  

The kids will be watching you as the go in, they might be looking for you but you need to say a quick goodbye and go on your way. 

Maybe it's best but the idea of just dropping my son off, not getting to cry with him, letting him know we will be back and this is not the end, tears my heart into a million pieces.  He doesn't get to know that Jeff and I will get to be his forever family, or that he has three brothers waiting on him anxiously to come back, or grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  Goodbye, Marco.  I hope you enjoyed your "vacation" in America.   What on Earth is this nonsense?  Last time I checked, he was a human being not some puppy dog going on an adventure.  Pray that even though we can't tell him the truth that he knows and receives peace from the Holy Spirit that we will be back for him.    

Moving forward.  My shoe fundraiser is getting off to an incredible start!!!  My friends and family have shown up today!  Thank you God for speaking to each one of them, moving in their hearts, and giving them courage to accept a challenge!  It has been truly amazing to watch.  People from all over my past and over the state of Texas is stepping up to donate shoes.  I really can't believe it.  Tears have been flowing freely as people are stepping out in faith and loving me so well!  I know God is going to use them in a mighty way!  Thank you all for loving me and my family so well.

Now here comes Satan.  He does not like what is going on in our family right now.  He wants me to fail miserably every day and works hard to try and make that happen.  Today though, he did not win.

The boys bring me the mail and there is a padded envelope from the Department of Family and Protective Services.  In it was a CD - a disc that held Mark and Jacob's story.  A story that has hurt, heartbreak, and trauma weaved in and out all through it.  Almost 1900 pages, 1878 pages to be exact. I started reading and then I became sick.  Sick with grief and pain, hurt for my boys and their past, for their mom and her own story, their dad and the sin that has overcome his life and then Christopher's dad, a young man that just had no idea what being a parent was all about.  This was not just some story from a book or a good Lifetime movie, this is their story.  A story they will have every day for the rest of their life. But then I am reminded, their story isn't finished.  God is not done with them yet! Their story will have a powerful ending and I get to be part of it.  As do you...

I want to leave you with some sweet words from my oldest.  I talked him into sitting on my lap for a few minutes today and he began to share with me a story about a recent week at AWANA.  It was about a girl.

"Mom, I totally fell in love with her.  She was so pretty, and then she never came back."

Cheering on daddy at his softball game tonight

It Comes at a Cost

Everything in life comes at a cost.  Most of the time we don't recognize it until it's too late or we are already prepared for it and it doesn't matter or maybe the rewards far outweigh the cost in the first place, but either way we are living in a world with constant decisions to make that can have serious consequences, both good and bad.  Let me share some of my own examples...

I am just finishing up a week of spring break over here and lots of fun with sweet friends from Houston coming to visit.  After the first set of friends left on Monday afternoon, my heart was full but my body was tired.  Come Tuesday evening, I was just plain worn out.  I needed some space and with a toddler crying, older boys acting like I speak a foreign language, and a communication barrier between me and my husband I decided the best thing was to leave.  Just for a moment, not long and I had every intention of coming back (my husband was home, fyi).  I needed some space, air and a little bit of quiet.  My selfishness came at a cost, when I got home from the grocery store, my sweet Marco ran into my arms and burst into tears.  "I thought you were never coming back"
So much for my peace, totally wasn't worth it.

We go and watch Jeff play softball on Monday evenings which means the boys are up a lot later than their usual bedtime which can make for a cranky toddler the next day or a difficult time getting everyone settled for bed when we get home.  But seeing my four cheer for their daddy and to get excited when he hits a home run is worth every tear that may come.  Especially when my Christopher says "Yay, I so is-cited!"

My plan when we initially started homeschooling was to school year round.  I was pretty rigid with our schedule initially and packed a lot of "learning" on our plates.  I've since relaxed but still find myself trying to go back to my old ways.  I saw this playing out this week.  I wanted to try and do school over "spring break" but hadn't planned on Zach being with us.  Needless to say, my plan of teaching went out the window.  Zach's life is important.  Just as important as my boys. Though I know that each one of my four need as much time on school as possible I chose to not allow it to come before another.  I'm already thinking about this summer.  Will his mom ask me to watch Zach all summer?  What about school?  How is this going to work?  God is reminding me that Zach's life is important and the role we play will not go in vain.  So the cost?  Maybe my boys don't catch up quite as fast as I want them to but maybe just maybe God will use our family to bring Zach to Him.

Adoption.  International adoption.  The cost is the only reason we have never pursued this before. Had I initially known what hosting was all about I would have never considered it.  I am so glad that I made a phone call and said yes to Marco.  He goes back on Easter.  Just six more days until he goes back home - the only home he knows and remembers.  He calls us mom and dad.  He kisses us goodnight and snuggles in our arms.  Marco vacuums the kitchen every day, puts away clean silverware, cleans the table after dinner, and folds his clothes.  Marco is our son.  He belongs here and to officially become a Payne.

My sweet, sweet friends.  I need you like I've never needed you before.  The reality is, we cannot afford this adoption on our own.  Had we known this was in our path, we would have been saving for years but two months ago we were only a family of five and had no idea that one more would be added so quickly.  I will post on ways you can help.  But will you please commit to praying for our family, our financial situation, for Marco's heart, and God's provision.

If you only knew

Throughout this journey, starting with my first three boys and now Marco I continue to hear how wonderful Jeff and I are for doing this.  First let me preface this with saying that it does feel good to have someone compliment you on what you're doing but at the same time I get awfully uncomfortable. I am not doing this for admiration or praise.  I am not any more wonderful or gifted than you.  I am simple, compassionate, crazy in love with my family and sin filled beyond compare.  Let me give you an example of one of my days, days where I lose my temper, get frustrated, and just fail miserably. (and the day I'm about to share isn't even one of the worst) 

My middle son is my challenge.  He is precious and has a smile that can melt your heart.  He has intense compassion for others, loves little ones, and works hard at making others feel welcome.  This precious boy lives life with gusto and passion and has zero cares in the world.  Sounds amazing, doesn't he?  I wish I could say that I see his amazing qualities every day. That when I look at him, I just fall deeper in love.  But I don't.  I'm the hardest on him, yell more that I ever thought I would, and lose my temper more with this precious baby than he ever deserves.  

I homeschool and truly love it.  It's hard and frustrating but I really enjoy being at home with all my boys every day, but some days make me want to run away.  On Monday, I told Jacob that he needed to work on his binder and organize it.  He's an eight year old boy that has little desire to be organized and structured, so asking him to be organized is completely foreign to him.  He was told to put his math in order: 9a, 9b, 9c...10a-10g...etc just through 13e.  Not. Hard. At. All.  (at least I didn't think so) He lollygagged all day long and still wasn't finished by bedtime.  So on Tuesday, I told him he had to finish it before we left for our co-op.  He loves going to co-op and I just knew that would motivate him to work.  He appeared to be working hard and fast but when he handed me his binder with papers falling out of the rings, in random order, and presented it to me as if it's perfection I lost it.  I didn't handle it well and pulled all the papers out of the binder and threw them up in the air.  It then began to snow math worksheets in our living room.  Fix it, I tell him.  Correctly this time.  Of course he doesn't finish in time to go and I leave him at home with my mom.  He's sobbing and I'm wondering if I should just let him go and give him another chance later.  My pride wins and I tell myself there is no way I'm going to deliver an empty threat.  Connect, stay calm, give opportunities to be successful, help them know you're on their team-that's what the books say but why don't I do it? I know what to do, how to do it, but lose it every time.  This is just one example of many.  My precious, precious boy stays in trouble with me.  

Eat correctly, do that again, why aren't you listening?!, Did you hear me??, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!, we've already gone over this 1,245,654 times!  

But still he smiles, says he loves me, and continues to bring joy to others.      

This part of my life, the part that you never see leaves zero room for admiration and respect.  There are days I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good.  These are the days I have doubt for my abilities to be a good mom and why on earth would I be signing up to be doing this again.  Surely God can find someone more equipped, with more patience, and a softer voice.  Being a mom is the hardest job I've ever done.  How can I be so mean to someone I love so much?  I am filled with sin and need His redemption and grace every single day.  So when I get these sweet words of admiration, respect, and "you're amazing" from my precious friends I don't feel any of these things. I feel guilt, sadness, and embarrassment.  I am no better than you but then I remember what the bible says: 

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

So every day I go without yelling and have patience and compassion it is because of Him and His power over my sin!

Love of Five

Today was such a great day!  I have so much joy watching all of my boys.  Sitting in church today with all of them, listening to them sing and watching them soak in the pastor's message melts my heart.  I pray for their salvation and that they allow the Lord to work miracles in their life.  God can and will heal their past, I am proclaiming this today and ask that you proclaim it as well!  Marco was at ease today and enjoyed the fellowship.  He stood at the door and greeted others as they came in.  He welcomed them as if he had been going to this church since he was a baby.  Marco feels like he's home.  

I've had the pleasure to love on another young man this weekend.  His name is Zach and he is 12.  He is absolutely precious and a joy to be around.  I don't know his whole story but I know that he and his mom live in a shelter.  She doesn't have anyone to watch him on the weekends while she works and I told her we would be delighted to have him with us.  What's one more boy, right?  I was loving the activity this weekend with five amazing young men surrounding me.  So all of my prayer warriors, will you please add them to your list: Zach, his mom, and my other four boys!  Oh how I pray that I get to see how each one of their stories play out and how God works a mighty work in each one of them.

  When it was time for me to deliver Zach back to his mom, I looked over in my front seat and this once happy, silly, amazing kid was sitting there looking as if he was holding back tears.  I asked him if he was ok...

"I'm just sad"

"why are you sad"

"because I don't want to leave"

My heart breaks once again for another precious child.  He is deeply loved by his mom and I know he loves her.  His circumstances just stink!  He is free from worry, fear, and sadness when he is with my boys and is able to enjoy himself fully.  These are moments that I thank God for; I'm thankful that He has given me a heart to love kids, the resources to pour my time and energy into a life that matters, and the opportunity to see them smile.  I am not his mom and don't need to be his mom but I get to pour love into him twice a week while we minister to him and his family.

There is pain and hurt around every corner.  What is God calling you to do to bring joy into someone's life?  I promise, if you ask He has someone there waiting for you to love on, pray with, and build a relationship.  I am here today because of the many people God has sent to love on me through my tough times. I can think of many pivotal people in my life starting from a little girl to now as a grown woman.  Thank you all for playing a role in my life.  I am eternally grateful for your time, energy, and love.  It is because you allowed Him to work through you that I am able to love.    

Three Weeks to Heartbreak

We have about three weeks left to soak in as much as we can of this sweet boy!  Three weeks might seem like forever if you're a ten year old waiting for Christmas to come but when you're a momma having to give back one of your babies you don't want one second to pass.

This might be the hardest part of the journey. We are all falling in love but the goodbye has to come. He has to go back and then we can work hard to bring him home. Yesterday, he jumped in my arms and I was holding him like I hold my youngest. His head resting on my shoulder and us swaying back and forth.

"Three more weeks and you get to go back and see your friends!"  You see, he was told he was coming here for vacation and we were told to not mention adoption. Ever. So we are supposed to be counting down the days for him getting to go back home, like it's a good thing. But I can't be excited about this.  He raised his head and looked into my eyes "I will miss you a lot"  I just held him close and told him how we will all miss him.  I want to tell him that I will come back for him, to not worry he has a family now but all I can say is how much he is loved.  I pray he feels it, knows it, and gets a glimpse of our Savior while he's here.  I have to trust in the Lord's timing and provision.

People get all excited when adoption happens or a family gets a new child from foster care but every adoption and placement comes with an intense amount of pain.  As excited I am to love on another little boy, my heart aches for him.  His past, his hurt, his heart.  This was not by God's design and it's painful.  Don't get me wrong, I will be thrilled to be able to parent this precious boy and get to be part of his story and see what the Lord has in store for him but it all comes at a terrible price.

.......... 

Today we celebrated my oldest two turning eight and ten.  We had a skating party and had about 20 kids there.  It was amazing!  Last year we tried having a friend party for them with their friends at school but no one showed up.  It brought me to tears today to see the friends God has brought to us, those that took time out of their schedule and family to celebrate two of my very favorite people.  We are truly loved and I felt it today!  Moving from Houston was hard and I miss my friends there terribly but today my heart was overflowing with His goodness.  Today was a testimony to an answered prayer.

I looked around my table tonight, sweet faces staring back at me, and thanked God for each of them.  Their silliness, challenges, the joy that they bring to this family.  I dreamed my life would look like this-four boys, adoption, craziness, and full of love.  Oh God how I praise your name!!!  You have blessed me beyond my dreams.

I love to hate you, Facebook

I really, really don't like Facebook.  I am relational.  What exactly does that mean?  I want real-life relationships.  I want to hear you, feel you, see you.  Yes, I understand that those senses cannot always be met but when they can that's what I want.  Facebook goes against all of those.  A perfect life, a perfect picture, sweet smiles and funny memes.  What about the pain, the tears, the laughter of a sweet friend...it's all missed with the use of technology.  I want to hear your stories, cry with you, and rejoice in the victories of your life but no matter how I feel, Facebook still exists.  Yet today, I am thankful for facebook!

I am involved in an Orphan Care Ministry through my church.  It is new and growing, which is super exciting.  They have a Facebook group that I joined and about a month ago a member posted about the need for a host family for a little boy from the Philippines.  I read the post and automatically thought how exciting it would be to have a young foreign exchange student, I had no idea that he was in an orphanage and needing a family.

The Lord knows.  He knows when I say yes and when I say no.  He knows my heart, my fears, my insecurities.  The Lord knows me.  

I have always been intrigued by international adoption but I just "knew" it wasn't the route I was going to go.  International adoption is incredibly expensive and I knew we could never afford it, so had I known this little boy from the Philippines, on the other side of this Facebook post, would be needing a forever home I would have never said yes.

So here we are, a new addition.  My sweet Marco.  Once he leaves on Easter to go back to his orphanage, we will be working hard to come up with $30k to get him back home.  God has brought us here and He will be glorified through this all!



"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus." Philippians 4:19


Matthew 21:22  "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”

He calls me mom

Let me introduce you to my newest addition. His name is Marco and he is visiting us from the Philippines. He is nine years old and 19 days younger than my Mark. How we got to this point is for another post but he's here and I get to cherish his preciousness for another 23 days.

You see, Marco is an orphan. The definition of orphan defined by Webster is a child whose parents are dead. Marco's parents aren't dead in the sense that they've lost their life but in the fact that they are never coming back for him. Marco was deserted, left, and unwanted but his story isn't finished. We are pursuing him. His life matters. Please join me in praying for this new life!