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Very few people know my entire story, you know the story with those dirty details you wished weren't written in your book. Even though the Lord has been truly gracious in His forgiveness and has redeemed me in a powerful way it's a book I like to keep hidden.
This weekend, a few of my friends and I enjoyed a couple of days together for a mini moms' retreat. We connected in profound ways through sharing our stories, our tears, our love for our families, and the grace that the Lord has provided to each and every one of us. We came back more tired than when we left (staying up past 2am will do that) but had a profound understanding of our roles back at home. God showed up in big ways. It was exactly what we all needed.
Saturday morning, the four of us decided we wanted to head down and float the river. For some of us it was a new adventure and one I had wanted to do since I was a teen. A shuttle took us to the entrance and there were people as far as you could see. Many of them were young college kids enjoying the first days of summer while alcohol filled their coolers and the swelling of music was in our ears. Looking around and every sense of mine was heightened, I heard a small whisper from the enemy himself:
"Doesn't that look fun? Remember when that was you?"
I turned to my sweet friend and told her that this trip was challenging me in ways I thought I had left behind. I was reminiscing about the good 'ol days and the fun I used to have. My mind quickly became aware of every detail around me and the sensation of the moment was at the forefront of my mind.
A little background here: there was a period of time just after high-school that I enjoyed the party scene. I exhibited very little self-control and found myself in situations I never thought possible. Through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I knew it was wrong but I allowed myself to use pinned up anger and resentment to tell myself this lifestyle was fun and rewarding. The effects from that period of time are still present in my life today.
We made it into our tubes and began the two hour journey down the river. Not too far from the beginning is a tube chute that sends you down a water slide that is carved into the side of the dam to divert all the tubes around in order to continue to float the river. At the end of the chute is extremely strong currents and several lifeguards are there waiting to jump to action at a moment's notice.
Once down the chute, you don't have much of an option as to where you go. You are at the mercy of the river and if you're lucky, you will continue on your path or, like us, the current pulls your tube up stream and you continue in this circle until you happen to be pushed past the major current. After about 20 or more minutes of making the circle we find ourselves back around to the end of the chute. I begin rocking back in forth in my tube as we are all trying to get past the current and onto our destination. We finally get to what we feel like is success and my tube flips over.
I am a good swimmer and enjoy being in the water so I wasn't worried at all when I went under. With sunglasses on, a bottle of kombucha and green flip-fops in my hand I began to swim to the surface. Never in my life had I felt a current this strong and I quickly begin to realize that I was in trouble. I'm swimming as hard as I can, desperately holding onto my drink and flip-flops just realizing that my sunglasses were no longer on my head. I finally emerged but was instantly pulled back under. Just as my face went below the surface, I saw a lifeguard jump in the water. I knew it was for me and I was scared to death, yet my determination kept me going and I was working harder than ever to swim up to the top. He jumped in and wrapped his arm around my waist. I remember thinking that there was no way he was strong enough to pull me to safety but lo and behold we were making our way back to the surface. Thankfully, my friends and my empty tube were just in reach. I stayed there holding onto my tube catching my breath and trying to gain an understanding of what just happened. We reached a calm part in the river and I climbed back in. Thankful for my life, I heard another whisper. This time it was from the Lord.
"Mandy, had you been drinking and still living in sin that you had earlier been glorifying, you would have died. Jeff would be left alone to take care of three boys that I've gifted you. Remember, I brought you out of that lifestyle for a purpose. Trust Me. I love you and have a future for you."
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I tend to lose focus when the monotony of everyday life takes over. Boys, adoption, homeschool, laundry, dishes, cooking; the list continues. Not to mention trying to be a loving, submissive wife. My eyes well up with tears as I relive this weekend. Not just for the fear of what could have happened but the overwhelming love I felt from my Father. He rescued me from my past and He rescued me for my future. My desire for the old left when I took another breath. God isn't finished with me and if you're reading this, He isn't finished with you either. There are hard days and life feels hopeless sometimes but if you are ready to listen He is speaking to your heart right now. Just stop and hear the whisper.
And yes, I still have my flip-flops....
