Don't Lose Heart

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

2 Corinthians 4:16

 Plans of watching my husband play softball, sitting in the bleachers on a beautiful fall evening, seeing the smiles on my boys' faces as daddy steps to the plate, and snuggled together because 73 all of a sudden feels crisp and cool was my hope for tonight.  But now at 7:30, everyone is tucked in bed and Jeff is off to his game and I'm sitting here wondering if what I did was the right thing.

..........

Today was going to be a good day and this week was going to be great.  The week was planned and assignment sheets were filled out, grocery shopping was done, meal prep was taken care of and an impromptu field trip made the list for an outing today.  I spent time in the Word and worked with my youngest on learning a bible verse together, all while feeling confident in how things were going.  

On the way to our "field trip", the boys working on school in the back of the car, I started receiving some concerning questions regarding assignments.  A little back information first:

You see, about ten weeks ago I embraced a new teaching philosophy and have truly enjoyed the freedom that it offered.  We focus heavily on reading, writing, and math with all being self-taught.  At first, there were many obstacles that we had to overcome but within about three weeks, the boys were excelling and loving the new program.  With it being self-directed, there is not much micromanaging from me as their teacher but that also means that things can go unnoticed for several days.  

And that's what came to light today.

Part of their studies is learning new vocabulary that they see in their reading.  They are given one or two new words every day to learn and a vocabulary map to fill out.  They are also to practice daily their current unit words .  Each unit has about 20 words that they will complete in about a three week time span. And no, their work isn't always fun, engaging, or gets them excited.  Sometimes it's just work and I'm ok with that.  

My oldest has reached his first quiz and I quickly realized that he had not been studying his words. The heart issue that actually came out was the fact that he had been lying about it for the past two weeks.  When I would ask him if he had studied his words for the day he enthusiastically told me "Yes!" and I believed him.  And then, his brother came clean and verbalized the same sin.  They both had been lying incessantly in order to get "finished" quicker and move on with their day; a.k.a. playing.

To make matters worse, we were meeting several families at the park this afternoon to hang out with an old friend we all hadn't seen in months.  I wanted to go and wanted to allow Christopher time to play but that meant that I had to decide whether to let them play and implement a consequence once we were home or to make them sit out and do school while all their friends were playing.  Well, I made them sit and work.  I reminded them that they expressed to me that playing was the most important thing to them, so much so that they would lie or cheat their way out of schoolwork in order to play.  And as their mom, my job is to help point them to God and remove any stumbling blocks that I have control over.  So I removed their playtime so they could work hard and not worry about it becoming a distraction.  They will get to spend this week working at catching up on their vocabulary. They both knew and agreed that doing so made sense.  They weren't happy but didn't argue as they realized what they did was not in their best interest.  But then I had a problem.

It's really hard to implement discipline in the midst of other people.  For some reason, the enemy showed up today and quickly began speaking lies to me.  And I started to believe them: "You aren't a good mom." "You don't know what you're doing." "You're too hard on them." "Give it up already."  I hadn't felt this self-conscious in a long time.  My embarrassment wasn't that my kids weren't perfect but that someone else thought I wasn't doing what was best.  

..........

Tonight, as I sat down to write, several things came to mind. 

1. Remember, God chose YOU to be the parents your children needed.  And that looks different for everyone.
2. 2 Corinthians 4:16 reminded me that my heart and the hearts of my boys are being renewed daily and that sin does not need to be comfortable for anyone.  
3. I don't care if my kids are at the top of their class, can recite a bunch of dates or facts, or be the best athlete. My prayer and deepest desire is to point them to Christ in order for them to lay down their cross and follow Him.   
4. Forgiveness is not code for "no consequences". 

I want to leave you with this as a reminder when doubts creep in and insecurities surface

Our struggle is not with flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces in this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.  

Ephesians 6:12

Uncomfortable

"Mom, why are you crying?"

"I don't really know.  I'm just tired I guess."

blank stares

"Don't worry, you'll see one day.  Your wife will just burst into tears and there may be no real reason."

Here I am with pizza on my plate, my youngest in my lap, and tears running down my face.  Friday is pizza night but today is Monday and here we are having pizza.  Yes my oven works, I have frozen chicken and ground beef in the freezer, plenty of food to cook but tonight we are having pizza...delivered. 

I think back on the beginning of summer and how I expected it to go.  Excited for the routine, the schedule, and the catch up we would do with school. But why do I do this to myself and my family?  Why do I set us up to fail and why have I not figured out that my plans never work when the Lord isn't involved?  Schedules, meal plans, routines, and clothes hung up in rainbow order.  I love life when it's predictable and easy.  Order equals control and it's a part of my flesh I'm having the most difficult time letting go of.  

I'm learning quickly that God didn't create me to do easy.  He is pruning me to be who He intended me to become.  I'm watching life around me during these long summer days and realize that my hardest day doesn't compare.  I see a little girl whose family dropped her off with strangers at a home depot because they didn't want her anymore.  A mom with a new baby that doesn't have the money to buy formula.  A little boy that won't talk to grown-ups because no one ever talks to him.  A young teenager that rides a train for eight hours to return back to a home where he isn't wanted.  A family stepping up to God's calling when it's hard and painful.  

My day was uncomfortable and helping others can be exhausting and understanding the line between helping others without sacrificing your own family can become blurry.  I'm currently walking that line and setting boundaries is getting harder and harder.  

At dinner, I looked at my boys and asked them how they were feeling about our day and saying yes to helping.  They both looked at me and said "mom, I'm happy to help them"

The desire of my heart is to be eternally focussed and trying to put into perspective what truly matters.  Being comfortable in the here and now is not what my family is called to do.  Dying to self, learning to sacrifice, and love till it hurts is the road that I'm glad the Lord is calling us down.  

We might not have gotten school done, had a lot of free time, or had the most patient attitudes but this summer has been used to grow relationships, love on others, and sacrifice our comfortable lives.  This summer is the summer that I will remember my oldest asking Christ into his heart and learning to love Jesus first.  This summer has been nothing I wanted yet everything I've needed.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

Tell Me They're Beautiful

I haven't been offended in a really long time and honestly I can't remember the last time I took offense to something.  Being offended is a choice, really.  And one that I feel I'm pretty good about not making.  It wasn't until two recent events that my spirit was stirred up and I wasn't happy with a comment that was made to me, about our family and my boys.
This parenting gig has brought out traits in me that I didn't even know existed.  Feelings being mustered and my spirit being stirred.  I get that our adoption was a choice and that through my choice I was no longer going to be just another face in the crowd, I was choosing to be different.  But guess what, I really hate being different sometimes.  My own self-confidence struggles and my whole life I tried to blend in.  Something I did really well and something that became detrimental to my soul. Sharing my heart, my sin, my passions is difficult for me.  I love to listen, empathize, and be present with others but please don't call me to open up my book, my story.  God is challenging me in that daily, I know that one day He is calling me to share it all.

  

..........

Jeff, my three boys, and I all went to get an oil change in my car.  The boys were looking at the car magazines and I was trying to bring my youngest to sit still for just a few more minutes.  We were finally able to pay and leave when the lady behind the counter loudly asked "are they adopted?!"  I was annoyed, honestly, and just smiled and said yes (I hope I smiled).  She then proceeded with "well, I wasn't sure if they were foster or adopted.  But that's just great.  Good for y'all."  At this point I just grabbed my kids and walked to the car.  Jeff has a sweeter disposition than I and I wasn't feeling it at that moment.  I've had other people ask and I'm thrilled to share but that day I was not up for describing the details of my family.
Let me stop and explain something, her heart and curiosity weren't the problem, really.  It was the question and her approach.  Yes, my boys don't look like us and yes they realize we look different and they HATE it.  I live in a world where I look like 90% of the people I come in contact with on a daily basis so feeling different isn't something I feel daily or understand real clearly.  It wasn't until I moved to Houston and began teaching that I learned what it felt like to look different than my surroundings, yet even then I went home every day and was in the presence of people that shared the same skin color as I.  I had two amazing colleagues that taught on both sides of me that helped bring out my own prejudices, discriminations, and own life experiences that contributed to my own whiteness. Never had I thought being colorblind was racist and never did I think I had any racial tendencies. I thought I saw all people as equal and that I wasn't racist in the least. But I was wrong and those sweet, sweet friends took the time to educate me about white privilege, humility, and their own culture.  Now that I'm a mom to three beautiful boys that turn heads when they call me mom, I'm seeing first hand the ignorance of my own white race.
Don't make my boys feel any different than they already do.  Don't stare at a family because they don't look like the norm.  Look at the mom, tell her that her kids are beautiful and that she's doing a great job.  Leave room for a story to evolve.  Don't let those sweet ears hear or hearts to break just because you are curious. Once again their story was apparent to everyone else and once again they were reminded of the sin and pain that brought them to us. Yes God protected them, and yes God is redeeming them but the pain is and always will be there.  I hope that one day they can embrace their difference and be proud to show off their family.  I pray that God will have a redemption story for them that is beyond all understanding. I wish I could say that the incident was isolated and that my boys will flourish in our small town and that they won't feel the prejudices or be discriminated against but tonight I was reminded of the truth once again.

..........

Tonight at VBS, I dropped all my kids off.  My youngest turns three in about four-ish months and they allowed him to come and be part of the 3yo class.  He went last night and seemed to do well.  As I was getting him all settled in a teacher comes over and has this conversations with me

T: "Does Christopher speak any english?"

Me: "Yes, very well actually.  You just need to talk to him."  

T: "oh ok great.  The teachers in his class were wondering.  He's just really quiet and shy, I guess."

Me: "No he can talk really well.  Just make him respond to you and you can understand him as well as any 4yo"

T: "oh ok, I'm sorry.  We just weren't sure"

Me: (trying to smile) "It's ok, just hold him accountable to whatever you are asking the other kids to do"

Please don't assume that because he's brown he doesn't speak any english.  How many white parents of white kids did you approach and ask that question.  Probably none.  

This feeling of offense is yucky and I know that it's from the enemy but my heart hurts for my boys. This isn't about me.  It's about them and their feeling of separation, their isolation and their desire to look like their mom and dad.  

And don't be a white christian that ministers to minorities and assume that they have a bad home life, do drugs, or will end up in jail.  You're not doing something great by feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, or rescuing the fallen if you think you're above it all.  I promise, non-traditional families, families of a different race, ethnic or cultural group than you are just like you and me.  True love and genuine relationships and guess what, you may find yourself your new best friend.  

Remember, if you're curious and want to know more just tell me they're beautiful and I will probably tell you our beautiful story.  

Do They Remember

A question I get asked often about my two older boys is if they remember their biological parents. And the answer is an absolute YES!  They remember the joys, good times, and their love for their mom.  From the beginning, we have tried to keep an open dialogue about their parents (J-mom and C-dad) and I work really hard at maintaining a positive attitude when they bring them up.  There will be months that they speak of them on a weekly basis and then weeks will go by where their names don't come up at all.

A song, or some food, or maybe it's a commercial on TV that triggers a memory and they want to share.  There are days that Mark has cried over missing J so much and desires to go live with her again and then there are days that they both are scared.  Scared that somehow they will be taken away and that the nightmare that they experienced will never go away.

It's hard to know that their heart will always love J and if I'm honest, the selfish part of me wants them all to myself.  I don't want to share them with her then, now, or ever.  They will have a connection to her that will never go away and there will be a day that they will seek her out again. And I have two choices...I can pretend it's not going to happen and forbid any sort of relationship or I can support and help them in their choice.

In my cabinet are pictures they've drawn for her, letters they've written wrinkled from tears, and in their bedroom are two photo albums filled with pictures from their past.  Pictures J put together and gave to them knowing the outcome.  We sit and flip through the pages staring at sweet chubby babies, funny poses, and tender memories.  Each time they look, their heart grieves and their pain is a reminder of why we all need Jesus.  Sin brought these boys to me but Jesus is restoring their souls and creating a story that will bring honor and glory to Him.

................

Let's back up about 19 months.  Without going into too much detail, the night we were headed to pick up the boys to move in with us, J and C were arrested.  It's truly a heartbreaking story and from the beginning my heart has been broken for their parents.  What brought them in jail is nothing short of what most of us would have done had we been faced with similar circumstances.  I'm not excusing or condoning their behavior but after loving these boys for the past 19 months, I would fight to my death if someone was going to take them from me.  I can understand where they were coming from.

In January, Mark was called to testify against his dad.  There was nothing I could do to get him out of it and it had been 16 months since he had seen him.  I was scared, scared of losing all that we had gained with our boys and scared that I was somehow going to lose his heart.  I walked into the courtroom with Mark that day and was humbled beyond belief.  Here was this man that (from what I was told) had not shown any emotion throughout the entire trial and then broke into tears when he saw his oldest walk through the doors.  I wanted somehow to tell him that his boys were ok, that they were loved and cherished, and that he was forgiven.  I wanted him to know that I loved him because he once loved them and I often pray that one day I will get to tell him.  After it was over, I went into the bathroom and cried like never before.  Sin had entered into this family and destroyed it.  My three precious boys were only allowed into my heart and home because of the work that Satan did; yes, I know God brought them to me but it's because He works all things out for the good of those that know and love Him.  It's not because breaking up this family was part of His divine plan.  The pain that I saw that day is indescribable and as a family we pray that there will be restoration in the relationships with both of them.

Now fast forward to this week.  The boys hadn't asked about J and C lately and I don't usually bring it up on my own but after a song triggered a memory, Jacob asked if their mom was out of jail yet and I told him no and then told him that she was sentenced to seven years. Both of them were speechless. Just yesterday, I found out that their dad was sentenced to 25 years and telling them that was hard. Neither one of them knows or understands and to think that he could be 50 years old when he gets out is hard to comprehend.  But God is working in all of this.

I wake up this morning and Jacob tells me he had a dream.  He said that he dreamed that C had asked God to come into his heart.  I smiled and said "wow, what a dream!! I bet God is working in his heart right now."

Maybe, just maybe God shared that revelation with Jacob and maybe our prayers have been answered and C now knows the Lord.  Pray for the hearts of my boys and the hearts of J and C.  What a beautiful story it will be to see God working in and through each of them.

My boys have a beautiful heart, one that forgives easily, loves others, and is passionate about life.  I am blessed to be called their mom no matter if I was the first or the 11th.  But I will be the last.

 

  

I Will Never...

Twenty years ago I became a parenting expert (yes, I was 12).  I knew then how to do it all, what you were doing wrong and how to fix it.  And I wish I could say that I was joking, I truly believed that I knew how to do this whole parenting gig.  So for almost 20 years, I had it all figured out.  My friends would talk about their parenting challenges, I worked with parents that had children with very challenging behaviors and in every situation I had an answer about what YOU were doing wrong.  I never really voiced my opinions to others unless asked (at least I don't think I did), but I had all my "I'll never do that" tucked away for when I became the perfect mom.  Then I became a mom, instantly, overnight, a mom to three boys.  It literally rocked my world.  For days, weeks, and into months I could not talk about the changes my life took without falling into a million pieces.  I realized for the first time in my life, I had no clue as to what I was doing.

One of my major "I'll never do that" was letting my babies sleep with me.  I went on and on about how I will never give in to letting them sleep with me and I could tell you that your bed was meant for you and your husband, sleep is important for everyone, and that a child will be fine if left to cry it out.  Then my baby cried...  And thus began this new journey.

For the past 19 months, I've gone back and forth about trying to get Christopher to sleep in his bed. We did the crying for 20 minute intervals, sleeping in his room, rocking him, singing, dancing and whatever it took to get him to sleep and stay asleep in his bed.  We were in a pretty good rhythm until I switched him to his twin bed.  I did this just before he turned two and for the first week he did amazing and my pride resurfaced.

"Wonder what people are talking about when they say that their toddler has bedtime issues.  That's just ridiculous!"  

Then all of a sudden, I got it.  Christopher realized he could come into my room on his own and at any time he wanted.  I love my sleep so when he would come in crying, I would just pull him in bed with me and we would snuggle up and drift off peacefully together.  This has been continuing for the past six months.  We tried a pallet on the floor but it didn't work very well.  I would give in.

On Sunday, Jeff told me enough was enough.  He could no longer sleep in our bed and that if we wanted to do a pallet, fine but no more bed.  So begins our new journey of training Christopher to listen, obey, and stay in his room.  We have a mattress on the floor set up so if he comes in the middle of the night, he can sleep there but he is not allowed up in bed with us.  What's great about the entire situation is that Jeff doesn't hear a thing, I get to be awake and help Christopher understand the new program.  It's just awesome...but I want to honor my husband in his needs and wants so I'm trying my best.

Tears are associated with this training and loss of sleep on my end.  It's not a fun process.  This morning I slept until almost 9am because I didn't sleep much last night.  Christopher wasn't in my room, breakfast hadn't been made, and we needed to leave in 15 minutes to make it to bible study on time.  I walk out of my room and see Mark and Jacob working on school, Christopher dressed and chores done.  I asked Mark to help with breakfast as I took a shower.  It was sweet mercies this morning seeing routines that worked, boys that are helpful, and a life that I love.  Every challenge comes with the Lord's grace and today I was granted a sweet gift from each one of my boys.

I am thankful that I am no longer a parenting expert, that I fail daily, and that I am still loved by my family and my Savior.

Deep Breath and Count to 10

I had a small meltdown today.  I am feeling overwhelmed and powerless in all circumstances.  Really, I guess that's what I need.  The more inadequate I feel, the more I lean on my Savior.  But gosh it's hard.  I'm so used to planning, controlling, and being one step ahead yet today I feel like I'm drowning.

About ten years ago, I remember having a moment like the one I had earlier.  I was in college coming close to graduation, Jeff and I had been married for about three years and he was just transferred to Houston. I was taking 18 hours, working full-time and living in the dorm.  That was an experience in and of itself!  So here I was sitting in class, trying to figure out how to juggle all that I had going on, and I just began to cry.  I was scared of failure, missing my husband, and just plain tired.  Fast forward seven months and guess what, I made it through just fine!

So here we are today...shoes needing to be bagged, paperwork needing signatures and completion, a garage sale and bake sale needing attention, true thank you notes needing to be written, Jeff's job situation, forms not being completed properly, and homeschooling pressures.  Everywhere I look, something major is needing to get done and my precious baby is sitting somewhere wondering if he will ever have a family.  Jeff and I found ourselves fighting against one another today and not with each other.  We are both overwhelmed, scared, and trying to trust in His sovereignty but our weaknesses are shining through. You know, no matter how hard I try to have it together on the outside I'm a complete mess through and through.  I want to hear his voice, tell him we are coming, and to kiss those sweet dimples.

I can't wait to look back and see how it all worked out and that God knew from the beginning that everything would be used to bring glory to His name.  I can keep telling myself that He is in control, He will be glorified, and that Satan will not have my joy, but I want to believe it deep down in my core!

..........

On another note, the past week has been astonishing in so many ways! I had a phone call from my pastor saying he wants to share our story and have a church wide shoe drive, two different friends texted me about the shoes they are collecting and the efforts that are being made, a donation came in unexpectedly from two different people, a garage FULL of stuff people have donated towards our garage sale, and amazing possibilities in the near future.  Mark and Jacob had an incredible day of school and the work they both produced was outstanding.  The blessings are full, my heart is complete, and I have some of the best friends and family anyone could ever imagine!  And this song sums it up so well; a song that Mark is so eloquently learning how to play on the piano.  We love singing this in our home.

God is so good.  God is so good.  God is so good.  He's so good to me!     

Lord,

I need you in ways that I can not even verbalize.  My heart aches, my soul is thirsty, and my body is tired.  You were, am, and always will be and I need to trust that you have paved a way specifically for Marco to come home.  May I trust you, feel your presence, and be overwhelmed by your peace.  You alone are in control.  Help me know that I am nothing without you and only you can bring rest and fulfill our needs.  

    

 

That Many

Words that have meaning.  Meaning that grips my core and can push me to the edge.  Words that bring me joy, peace, and an abundance of faith.

Why do you want "that many" kids and "that many" boys?!
You need "that many" shoes?
Why does it cost "that many" dollars?
You spend "that many" hours a day with your kids?

Today those words were found in a math problem that took hours for my sweet 8 year old to understand. And I lost my mind "that many" times because of it.  It's amazing how words can be so powerful and it's not until I sit down in the quiet of my living room that I'm able to reflect back and see had I just rested in the Lord's peace, the words would have meant nothing to me.

..........

Homeschool.  A scary word today, and boy am I glad nobody saw how this day went.  It was hard. period.

I require a lot of my boys and I am constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing.  Do they have too many chores, are they being held to a standard that isn't attainable, have I given enough grace but also followed through when necessary, do they feel loved and connected?  I desire for them to be trustworthy, responsible, obedient, but full of joy, peace, kindness and love.  I want them to love God with all their heart and to have a desire to please Him. But today, "that many" kept me from seeing what they were and led me to think about all that they weren't.  Today I had the desire to put them back in school, let a teacher deal with their learning struggles, and a system that would educate, discipline, and mold them into young men.  Some days I truly hate homeschooling and truly hate the mom I become when school gets hard, lies are pouring out of their mouths, and messes are made without being cleaned up.  What am I doing?  I ask myself this question so often.

If I would allow God to work through me in these moments, it would be glorious but so often I fail miserably and realize I lost my patience, got frustrated, and brought turmoil on my family "that many" times.  But once again, my boys love me and give me grace when I don't deserve it.  They are truly amazing and when I look deep in their eyes I see young men that will become something great and will do wonderful things for the kingdom of God.  

I am thankful.  Thankful for days like today.  I receive forgiveness, see unconditional love, and healing hearts right in front of me.  I see progress in math and reading, amazing handwriting, and boys excited to serve each other, play together, and grow deeper in their faith.  Today I am thankful for the messes that are made, the home we have to grow in and make memories together, little boys cleaning the kitchen and "thank you" coming from their mouths for the dinner they are eating.  The prayers at the table, the music from their lips, the joy on their face when grandma walks through the door.  I am blessed with a husband that supports and prays for us, friends that I haven't talked to in years reaching out to me, blessings from strangers on my donation site, phone conversations about adoption and smelly shoes.  Today I am thankful.  It is because of days like today that I see God's goodness so clearly and I'm ready to wake up to a new day tomorrow.  I can't wait to see how God will work in my messes again.

That many.  Yes, I want "that many" kids and "that many" boys, I want "that many" shoes, and I will pay "that many" dollars any day to bring my sweet Marco back home.  My life is full of "that many" and I thank you God for it all.

Forgiveness

How do you forgive someone that has hurt you?  It's hard and I struggle with it often.

I'm in the middle of a women's bible study at my church and it's all about prayer.  One of the sessions was on bitterness and how those feelings in your heart keep you from a relationship with God and that if we don't forgive we can't grow in our faith.  I can see this working in my own life yet I still struggle with it.  What's the difference between forgiveness and a relationship?  Can you have one without the other?  How do you protect your own heart as well as your family's heart but still forgive? What exactly does this look like?

As I write this today, my heart is hurting.  Hurting not because I miss Marco but because of words that someone close to us is spraying over our family.  One of the hardest parts of our journey in adopting both our three boys and now Marco is having to explain, justify, or fight for their rights to belong as a Payne.  I know and can understand how adoption can be uncomfortable to talk about or to understand but we truly feel like we are being obedient to a calling set before us.  And our life has more joy now than ever before.  

So in situations like this, what do I do?  Relationships have been completely severed because they weren't emotionally safe for my boys, and I doubt my decision often.  I truly want to do what's best and what honors my Father but I'm not sure what that always is.  Do I end relationships with people that harm us emotionally even though they are family or do I hold my tongue, move forward, and pretend like what they say and how they act holds no weight?  I'm struggling now because I see four beautiful faces that did not come from my body but faces that I love so deeply it hurts, and the words of disgust, disappointment, and belittling showered down over us by the people that once looked at us with the same joy that I have when I look at my boys.

Where do you stand?  Have you ever ended a relationship with a family member?  What does forgiveness look like to you?

He Speaks Through Feet

John 13:1-17 gives the account of the last supper. It was customary in those days to wash your feet before a meal, usually it would be a servant's job to do this. As the disciples were sitting down with Jesus for their last supper together, feet dirty and no servant around, Jesus rose from the table and began washing their feet. This act was of great humility and servanthood. Being a follower of Christ, we are to emulate him and serve one another in lowliness of heart and mind while building each other up in love and humility.

As we are going through this process of getting Marco home, people have been serving me through their feet. We are doing a fundraiser that takes worn out shoes, bags them up, and then they are sent to developing countries, given to individuals to resell in order to create an income for them and their families. In return, the organization pays us per pound for shoes to help fund our adoption.

I had no idea that the response would be this great, I didn't know that I was this loved.  Marco will be brought home by people's stinky, smelly shoes and it's amazing!!!  There are many people working on collecting shoes and most of the shoes given are from people that don't know me and will probably never meet my family. I have friends that I haven't seen or spoken to in years that have stepped up to give. New friends, strangers, neighbors, organizations, and precious people in my life are stepping out in faith to give, love and support our family. If you have given, are working on collecting, or have prayed for our family I thank you from the bottom of my heart! My cup overflows and know that you are playing a vital role in bringing Marco to a family that will love him and cherish him for all of his days. I am brought to tears almost on a daily basis when a new text comes in saying they are praying for us, or someone drops off a bag of shoes, or a donation pops up unexpectedly.  There are many steps to getting Marco back and one of the biggest hurdles is the financial side of things.  YOU are making this happen!

Saying Goodbye

3:30, my alarm goes off. It's pitch black outside and quiet in the house. My babies are sleeping. If I don't wake anyone up and just go back to sleep, maybe he doesn't have to go.  Maybe he can just stay forever. My heart was hurting. Thirty-two days of Marco, that's all we've had together. Thirty-two days of being a family of six and thirty-two days of my boys having another brother.  Thirty-two days...
We wake up, get dressed, and sneak out of the house making sure we don't wake the cousins. As we drove to the airport, there was quiet all through the car. Silence breaks as Christopher asks

"can I go with Marco to  Fillpeens?"

My baby, the one who struggled the most with our newest addition, is going to miss him.  My throat clogs up and I begin to feel the first tears.  As we walk into the airport, memories fill my mind of just one month ago being in the same place, picking up a little boy that we had never met, and flashbacks over the last 32 days of falling in love.  I realized that this was the end and I had no idea when I would see him again.  I began to sob, right there in the middle of the terminal. Jeff grabs me and I bury my face in his chest.  I didn't want to say goodbye.

We got to be with him and the four other loves for about an hour. I watched him and his sweet friends laugh and talk in their language. Families there soaking up the last few moments with their kids, sharing memories of their time together, and holding them close. The time comes to send them through security and give them one last hug and kiss. Marco buries his head in my side, tears streaming down his face and I bend down, look into his eyes and tell him I love him and will see him soon.

"I love you too, Mommy"

He goes to Jeff, holding him close and just cries. I look around and see tears flowing everywhere. Brothers and sisters, moms and dads, and the precious kids. Hurting hearts and no way to mend them.  As we say our last goodbyes I turn and look at Jeff and see tears running down his cheeks. Our wedding day was the last time I've seen him cry-almost 12 years ago- and his heart is breaking to the point he can't hide it. This child has changed us all. 

..........

As the music plays and crowds fill in to worship, all I can do is cry.  He's supposed to be here with us, there's an empty seat beside me and he's not here. I look over at my sweet boys and see my precious Mark crying. I pull him close and finally just pick him up. He lays his head on my shoulder and we stand, listening to the music, praising our Savior, and bawling our eyes out.  At that moment I saw more of the story.  I saw Mark experiencing another loss, remembering his own story and reliving the losses he's already had. The excruciating pain of losing Marco, a boy he's come to know and love as his brother and losing his own family of origin. And having no control over any of it. 

I got to love on Matk and hold him for most of the service, my 10 year old, my sweet, sensitive boy growing up and becoming an amazing young man. I never did get to wipe Mark's tears when he was a baby, or spend precious time in the middle of the night attaching and sacrificially loving him, but the Lord awarded that time to me today.  It's a moment that I will treasure. 

I keep looking for him, counting my boys looking for the one that's missing and then realizing he's not here. We are a family of five, waiting for number six to return. I'm holding on to hope that we will be reunited again and that God will work miracles in this story. 

Thank you sweet friends for checking on us today and praying for our family.  We are hurting but I trust that our pain will turn to joy soon!

Jacob's thoughts during church. "Marco I miss you"

Spending time together at the beach on Saturday 

Sweet Brothers

My little gentlemen 

Loving on the cousins. 

One Thankful Heart

I want to recap some of the moments I've had over the past couple of days.  God shows up in powerful ways just at the right time and in ways that blow me away.  

We were celebrating my oldest son's birthday on Saturday as he is officially 10 and according to him, he's almost grown.  So I had just finished making his cupcakes when I suddenly got sick.  I mean really sick.  It was the strangest thing and I was all alone with five boys.  This was one of the only times Jeff has ever had to work on a Saturday and my sister was at my parents with her two little ones so I didn't have anyone readily available.  I found myself in bed as lunchtime was nearing and realized that there was no way I could get up long enough to make lunch for everyone.  So I called in my Mark.  He comes running and in the most precious, sincere voice he asks "How can I help you mom??"  When I ask him to make lunch for everyone he jumped up and became a little grown up all at once, and took care of five sweet little lives.  No complaints and everyone ate.    

About the time Mark was putting the finishing touches on lunch my mom walks in and cleans up the kitchen knowing I had family coming in just a few short hours.  Marco then runs into my bedroom, lays his head on my chest and begins to cry.  As I probe him to tell me what is going on, he looks into my eyes and says "I don't want to leave you."  Oh sweet baby, how I don't want you to ever leave...

As nap time comes for my youngest little mess, he comes skipping down the hall and jumps into bed with me, lays right down and snuggles into my side.  He puts his hand on my face and proceeds to pray, "Tank you God for mommy to feel better.  Amen"  

Words and actions from my sweet boys that I don't deserve.  Love from my mom that is overwhelming, and to know that these were just the beginnings of sacrifices people were about to make for me.  

Now today happens.  Have you ever had a day that puts you on the highest cloud and then Satan tries to brings you back down to the lowest low?  As I kick off a shoe drive fundraiser to bring Marco home, I have a conference call for what Sunday will look like when we take Marco back to the airport.  I'm listening to the lady on the other end tell us that our goodbyes need to be quick, we need to walk away without breaking down, and to not linger at the airport.  

The kids will be watching you as the go in, they might be looking for you but you need to say a quick goodbye and go on your way. 

Maybe it's best but the idea of just dropping my son off, not getting to cry with him, letting him know we will be back and this is not the end, tears my heart into a million pieces.  He doesn't get to know that Jeff and I will get to be his forever family, or that he has three brothers waiting on him anxiously to come back, or grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  Goodbye, Marco.  I hope you enjoyed your "vacation" in America.   What on Earth is this nonsense?  Last time I checked, he was a human being not some puppy dog going on an adventure.  Pray that even though we can't tell him the truth that he knows and receives peace from the Holy Spirit that we will be back for him.    

Moving forward.  My shoe fundraiser is getting off to an incredible start!!!  My friends and family have shown up today!  Thank you God for speaking to each one of them, moving in their hearts, and giving them courage to accept a challenge!  It has been truly amazing to watch.  People from all over my past and over the state of Texas is stepping up to donate shoes.  I really can't believe it.  Tears have been flowing freely as people are stepping out in faith and loving me so well!  I know God is going to use them in a mighty way!  Thank you all for loving me and my family so well.

Now here comes Satan.  He does not like what is going on in our family right now.  He wants me to fail miserably every day and works hard to try and make that happen.  Today though, he did not win.

The boys bring me the mail and there is a padded envelope from the Department of Family and Protective Services.  In it was a CD - a disc that held Mark and Jacob's story.  A story that has hurt, heartbreak, and trauma weaved in and out all through it.  Almost 1900 pages, 1878 pages to be exact. I started reading and then I became sick.  Sick with grief and pain, hurt for my boys and their past, for their mom and her own story, their dad and the sin that has overcome his life and then Christopher's dad, a young man that just had no idea what being a parent was all about.  This was not just some story from a book or a good Lifetime movie, this is their story.  A story they will have every day for the rest of their life. But then I am reminded, their story isn't finished.  God is not done with them yet! Their story will have a powerful ending and I get to be part of it.  As do you...

I want to leave you with some sweet words from my oldest.  I talked him into sitting on my lap for a few minutes today and he began to share with me a story about a recent week at AWANA.  It was about a girl.

"Mom, I totally fell in love with her.  She was so pretty, and then she never came back."

Cheering on daddy at his softball game tonight

It Comes at a Cost

Everything in life comes at a cost.  Most of the time we don't recognize it until it's too late or we are already prepared for it and it doesn't matter or maybe the rewards far outweigh the cost in the first place, but either way we are living in a world with constant decisions to make that can have serious consequences, both good and bad.  Let me share some of my own examples...

I am just finishing up a week of spring break over here and lots of fun with sweet friends from Houston coming to visit.  After the first set of friends left on Monday afternoon, my heart was full but my body was tired.  Come Tuesday evening, I was just plain worn out.  I needed some space and with a toddler crying, older boys acting like I speak a foreign language, and a communication barrier between me and my husband I decided the best thing was to leave.  Just for a moment, not long and I had every intention of coming back (my husband was home, fyi).  I needed some space, air and a little bit of quiet.  My selfishness came at a cost, when I got home from the grocery store, my sweet Marco ran into my arms and burst into tears.  "I thought you were never coming back"
So much for my peace, totally wasn't worth it.

We go and watch Jeff play softball on Monday evenings which means the boys are up a lot later than their usual bedtime which can make for a cranky toddler the next day or a difficult time getting everyone settled for bed when we get home.  But seeing my four cheer for their daddy and to get excited when he hits a home run is worth every tear that may come.  Especially when my Christopher says "Yay, I so is-cited!"

My plan when we initially started homeschooling was to school year round.  I was pretty rigid with our schedule initially and packed a lot of "learning" on our plates.  I've since relaxed but still find myself trying to go back to my old ways.  I saw this playing out this week.  I wanted to try and do school over "spring break" but hadn't planned on Zach being with us.  Needless to say, my plan of teaching went out the window.  Zach's life is important.  Just as important as my boys. Though I know that each one of my four need as much time on school as possible I chose to not allow it to come before another.  I'm already thinking about this summer.  Will his mom ask me to watch Zach all summer?  What about school?  How is this going to work?  God is reminding me that Zach's life is important and the role we play will not go in vain.  So the cost?  Maybe my boys don't catch up quite as fast as I want them to but maybe just maybe God will use our family to bring Zach to Him.

Adoption.  International adoption.  The cost is the only reason we have never pursued this before. Had I initially known what hosting was all about I would have never considered it.  I am so glad that I made a phone call and said yes to Marco.  He goes back on Easter.  Just six more days until he goes back home - the only home he knows and remembers.  He calls us mom and dad.  He kisses us goodnight and snuggles in our arms.  Marco vacuums the kitchen every day, puts away clean silverware, cleans the table after dinner, and folds his clothes.  Marco is our son.  He belongs here and to officially become a Payne.

My sweet, sweet friends.  I need you like I've never needed you before.  The reality is, we cannot afford this adoption on our own.  Had we known this was in our path, we would have been saving for years but two months ago we were only a family of five and had no idea that one more would be added so quickly.  I will post on ways you can help.  But will you please commit to praying for our family, our financial situation, for Marco's heart, and God's provision.

If you only knew

Throughout this journey, starting with my first three boys and now Marco I continue to hear how wonderful Jeff and I are for doing this.  First let me preface this with saying that it does feel good to have someone compliment you on what you're doing but at the same time I get awfully uncomfortable. I am not doing this for admiration or praise.  I am not any more wonderful or gifted than you.  I am simple, compassionate, crazy in love with my family and sin filled beyond compare.  Let me give you an example of one of my days, days where I lose my temper, get frustrated, and just fail miserably. (and the day I'm about to share isn't even one of the worst) 

My middle son is my challenge.  He is precious and has a smile that can melt your heart.  He has intense compassion for others, loves little ones, and works hard at making others feel welcome.  This precious boy lives life with gusto and passion and has zero cares in the world.  Sounds amazing, doesn't he?  I wish I could say that I see his amazing qualities every day. That when I look at him, I just fall deeper in love.  But I don't.  I'm the hardest on him, yell more that I ever thought I would, and lose my temper more with this precious baby than he ever deserves.  

I homeschool and truly love it.  It's hard and frustrating but I really enjoy being at home with all my boys every day, but some days make me want to run away.  On Monday, I told Jacob that he needed to work on his binder and organize it.  He's an eight year old boy that has little desire to be organized and structured, so asking him to be organized is completely foreign to him.  He was told to put his math in order: 9a, 9b, 9c...10a-10g...etc just through 13e.  Not. Hard. At. All.  (at least I didn't think so) He lollygagged all day long and still wasn't finished by bedtime.  So on Tuesday, I told him he had to finish it before we left for our co-op.  He loves going to co-op and I just knew that would motivate him to work.  He appeared to be working hard and fast but when he handed me his binder with papers falling out of the rings, in random order, and presented it to me as if it's perfection I lost it.  I didn't handle it well and pulled all the papers out of the binder and threw them up in the air.  It then began to snow math worksheets in our living room.  Fix it, I tell him.  Correctly this time.  Of course he doesn't finish in time to go and I leave him at home with my mom.  He's sobbing and I'm wondering if I should just let him go and give him another chance later.  My pride wins and I tell myself there is no way I'm going to deliver an empty threat.  Connect, stay calm, give opportunities to be successful, help them know you're on their team-that's what the books say but why don't I do it? I know what to do, how to do it, but lose it every time.  This is just one example of many.  My precious, precious boy stays in trouble with me.  

Eat correctly, do that again, why aren't you listening?!, Did you hear me??, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!, we've already gone over this 1,245,654 times!  

But still he smiles, says he loves me, and continues to bring joy to others.      

This part of my life, the part that you never see leaves zero room for admiration and respect.  There are days I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good.  These are the days I have doubt for my abilities to be a good mom and why on earth would I be signing up to be doing this again.  Surely God can find someone more equipped, with more patience, and a softer voice.  Being a mom is the hardest job I've ever done.  How can I be so mean to someone I love so much?  I am filled with sin and need His redemption and grace every single day.  So when I get these sweet words of admiration, respect, and "you're amazing" from my precious friends I don't feel any of these things. I feel guilt, sadness, and embarrassment.  I am no better than you but then I remember what the bible says: 

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

So every day I go without yelling and have patience and compassion it is because of Him and His power over my sin!

Love of Five

Today was such a great day!  I have so much joy watching all of my boys.  Sitting in church today with all of them, listening to them sing and watching them soak in the pastor's message melts my heart.  I pray for their salvation and that they allow the Lord to work miracles in their life.  God can and will heal their past, I am proclaiming this today and ask that you proclaim it as well!  Marco was at ease today and enjoyed the fellowship.  He stood at the door and greeted others as they came in.  He welcomed them as if he had been going to this church since he was a baby.  Marco feels like he's home.  

I've had the pleasure to love on another young man this weekend.  His name is Zach and he is 12.  He is absolutely precious and a joy to be around.  I don't know his whole story but I know that he and his mom live in a shelter.  She doesn't have anyone to watch him on the weekends while she works and I told her we would be delighted to have him with us.  What's one more boy, right?  I was loving the activity this weekend with five amazing young men surrounding me.  So all of my prayer warriors, will you please add them to your list: Zach, his mom, and my other four boys!  Oh how I pray that I get to see how each one of their stories play out and how God works a mighty work in each one of them.

  When it was time for me to deliver Zach back to his mom, I looked over in my front seat and this once happy, silly, amazing kid was sitting there looking as if he was holding back tears.  I asked him if he was ok...

"I'm just sad"

"why are you sad"

"because I don't want to leave"

My heart breaks once again for another precious child.  He is deeply loved by his mom and I know he loves her.  His circumstances just stink!  He is free from worry, fear, and sadness when he is with my boys and is able to enjoy himself fully.  These are moments that I thank God for; I'm thankful that He has given me a heart to love kids, the resources to pour my time and energy into a life that matters, and the opportunity to see them smile.  I am not his mom and don't need to be his mom but I get to pour love into him twice a week while we minister to him and his family.

There is pain and hurt around every corner.  What is God calling you to do to bring joy into someone's life?  I promise, if you ask He has someone there waiting for you to love on, pray with, and build a relationship.  I am here today because of the many people God has sent to love on me through my tough times. I can think of many pivotal people in my life starting from a little girl to now as a grown woman.  Thank you all for playing a role in my life.  I am eternally grateful for your time, energy, and love.  It is because you allowed Him to work through you that I am able to love.    

Three Weeks to Heartbreak

We have about three weeks left to soak in as much as we can of this sweet boy!  Three weeks might seem like forever if you're a ten year old waiting for Christmas to come but when you're a momma having to give back one of your babies you don't want one second to pass.

This might be the hardest part of the journey. We are all falling in love but the goodbye has to come. He has to go back and then we can work hard to bring him home. Yesterday, he jumped in my arms and I was holding him like I hold my youngest. His head resting on my shoulder and us swaying back and forth.

"Three more weeks and you get to go back and see your friends!"  You see, he was told he was coming here for vacation and we were told to not mention adoption. Ever. So we are supposed to be counting down the days for him getting to go back home, like it's a good thing. But I can't be excited about this.  He raised his head and looked into my eyes "I will miss you a lot"  I just held him close and told him how we will all miss him.  I want to tell him that I will come back for him, to not worry he has a family now but all I can say is how much he is loved.  I pray he feels it, knows it, and gets a glimpse of our Savior while he's here.  I have to trust in the Lord's timing and provision.

People get all excited when adoption happens or a family gets a new child from foster care but every adoption and placement comes with an intense amount of pain.  As excited I am to love on another little boy, my heart aches for him.  His past, his hurt, his heart.  This was not by God's design and it's painful.  Don't get me wrong, I will be thrilled to be able to parent this precious boy and get to be part of his story and see what the Lord has in store for him but it all comes at a terrible price.

.......... 

Today we celebrated my oldest two turning eight and ten.  We had a skating party and had about 20 kids there.  It was amazing!  Last year we tried having a friend party for them with their friends at school but no one showed up.  It brought me to tears today to see the friends God has brought to us, those that took time out of their schedule and family to celebrate two of my very favorite people.  We are truly loved and I felt it today!  Moving from Houston was hard and I miss my friends there terribly but today my heart was overflowing with His goodness.  Today was a testimony to an answered prayer.

I looked around my table tonight, sweet faces staring back at me, and thanked God for each of them.  Their silliness, challenges, the joy that they bring to this family.  I dreamed my life would look like this-four boys, adoption, craziness, and full of love.  Oh God how I praise your name!!!  You have blessed me beyond my dreams.

I love to hate you, Facebook

I really, really don't like Facebook.  I am relational.  What exactly does that mean?  I want real-life relationships.  I want to hear you, feel you, see you.  Yes, I understand that those senses cannot always be met but when they can that's what I want.  Facebook goes against all of those.  A perfect life, a perfect picture, sweet smiles and funny memes.  What about the pain, the tears, the laughter of a sweet friend...it's all missed with the use of technology.  I want to hear your stories, cry with you, and rejoice in the victories of your life but no matter how I feel, Facebook still exists.  Yet today, I am thankful for facebook!

I am involved in an Orphan Care Ministry through my church.  It is new and growing, which is super exciting.  They have a Facebook group that I joined and about a month ago a member posted about the need for a host family for a little boy from the Philippines.  I read the post and automatically thought how exciting it would be to have a young foreign exchange student, I had no idea that he was in an orphanage and needing a family.

The Lord knows.  He knows when I say yes and when I say no.  He knows my heart, my fears, my insecurities.  The Lord knows me.  

I have always been intrigued by international adoption but I just "knew" it wasn't the route I was going to go.  International adoption is incredibly expensive and I knew we could never afford it, so had I known this little boy from the Philippines, on the other side of this Facebook post, would be needing a forever home I would have never said yes.

So here we are, a new addition.  My sweet Marco.  Once he leaves on Easter to go back to his orphanage, we will be working hard to come up with $30k to get him back home.  God has brought us here and He will be glorified through this all!



"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus." Philippians 4:19


Matthew 21:22  "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”

He calls me mom

Let me introduce you to my newest addition. His name is Marco and he is visiting us from the Philippines. He is nine years old and 19 days younger than my Mark. How we got to this point is for another post but he's here and I get to cherish his preciousness for another 23 days.

You see, Marco is an orphan. The definition of orphan defined by Webster is a child whose parents are dead. Marco's parents aren't dead in the sense that they've lost their life but in the fact that they are never coming back for him. Marco was deserted, left, and unwanted but his story isn't finished. We are pursuing him. His life matters. Please join me in praying for this new life!