Do They Remember

A question I get asked often about my two older boys is if they remember their biological parents. And the answer is an absolute YES!  They remember the joys, good times, and their love for their mom.  From the beginning, we have tried to keep an open dialogue about their parents (J-mom and C-dad) and I work really hard at maintaining a positive attitude when they bring them up.  There will be months that they speak of them on a weekly basis and then weeks will go by where their names don't come up at all.

A song, or some food, or maybe it's a commercial on TV that triggers a memory and they want to share.  There are days that Mark has cried over missing J so much and desires to go live with her again and then there are days that they both are scared.  Scared that somehow they will be taken away and that the nightmare that they experienced will never go away.

It's hard to know that their heart will always love J and if I'm honest, the selfish part of me wants them all to myself.  I don't want to share them with her then, now, or ever.  They will have a connection to her that will never go away and there will be a day that they will seek her out again. And I have two choices...I can pretend it's not going to happen and forbid any sort of relationship or I can support and help them in their choice.

In my cabinet are pictures they've drawn for her, letters they've written wrinkled from tears, and in their bedroom are two photo albums filled with pictures from their past.  Pictures J put together and gave to them knowing the outcome.  We sit and flip through the pages staring at sweet chubby babies, funny poses, and tender memories.  Each time they look, their heart grieves and their pain is a reminder of why we all need Jesus.  Sin brought these boys to me but Jesus is restoring their souls and creating a story that will bring honor and glory to Him.

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Let's back up about 19 months.  Without going into too much detail, the night we were headed to pick up the boys to move in with us, J and C were arrested.  It's truly a heartbreaking story and from the beginning my heart has been broken for their parents.  What brought them in jail is nothing short of what most of us would have done had we been faced with similar circumstances.  I'm not excusing or condoning their behavior but after loving these boys for the past 19 months, I would fight to my death if someone was going to take them from me.  I can understand where they were coming from.

In January, Mark was called to testify against his dad.  There was nothing I could do to get him out of it and it had been 16 months since he had seen him.  I was scared, scared of losing all that we had gained with our boys and scared that I was somehow going to lose his heart.  I walked into the courtroom with Mark that day and was humbled beyond belief.  Here was this man that (from what I was told) had not shown any emotion throughout the entire trial and then broke into tears when he saw his oldest walk through the doors.  I wanted somehow to tell him that his boys were ok, that they were loved and cherished, and that he was forgiven.  I wanted him to know that I loved him because he once loved them and I often pray that one day I will get to tell him.  After it was over, I went into the bathroom and cried like never before.  Sin had entered into this family and destroyed it.  My three precious boys were only allowed into my heart and home because of the work that Satan did; yes, I know God brought them to me but it's because He works all things out for the good of those that know and love Him.  It's not because breaking up this family was part of His divine plan.  The pain that I saw that day is indescribable and as a family we pray that there will be restoration in the relationships with both of them.

Now fast forward to this week.  The boys hadn't asked about J and C lately and I don't usually bring it up on my own but after a song triggered a memory, Jacob asked if their mom was out of jail yet and I told him no and then told him that she was sentenced to seven years. Both of them were speechless. Just yesterday, I found out that their dad was sentenced to 25 years and telling them that was hard. Neither one of them knows or understands and to think that he could be 50 years old when he gets out is hard to comprehend.  But God is working in all of this.

I wake up this morning and Jacob tells me he had a dream.  He said that he dreamed that C had asked God to come into his heart.  I smiled and said "wow, what a dream!! I bet God is working in his heart right now."

Maybe, just maybe God shared that revelation with Jacob and maybe our prayers have been answered and C now knows the Lord.  Pray for the hearts of my boys and the hearts of J and C.  What a beautiful story it will be to see God working in and through each of them.

My boys have a beautiful heart, one that forgives easily, loves others, and is passionate about life.  I am blessed to be called their mom no matter if I was the first or the 11th.  But I will be the last.

 

  

I Will Never...

Twenty years ago I became a parenting expert (yes, I was 12).  I knew then how to do it all, what you were doing wrong and how to fix it.  And I wish I could say that I was joking, I truly believed that I knew how to do this whole parenting gig.  So for almost 20 years, I had it all figured out.  My friends would talk about their parenting challenges, I worked with parents that had children with very challenging behaviors and in every situation I had an answer about what YOU were doing wrong.  I never really voiced my opinions to others unless asked (at least I don't think I did), but I had all my "I'll never do that" tucked away for when I became the perfect mom.  Then I became a mom, instantly, overnight, a mom to three boys.  It literally rocked my world.  For days, weeks, and into months I could not talk about the changes my life took without falling into a million pieces.  I realized for the first time in my life, I had no clue as to what I was doing.

One of my major "I'll never do that" was letting my babies sleep with me.  I went on and on about how I will never give in to letting them sleep with me and I could tell you that your bed was meant for you and your husband, sleep is important for everyone, and that a child will be fine if left to cry it out.  Then my baby cried...  And thus began this new journey.

For the past 19 months, I've gone back and forth about trying to get Christopher to sleep in his bed. We did the crying for 20 minute intervals, sleeping in his room, rocking him, singing, dancing and whatever it took to get him to sleep and stay asleep in his bed.  We were in a pretty good rhythm until I switched him to his twin bed.  I did this just before he turned two and for the first week he did amazing and my pride resurfaced.

"Wonder what people are talking about when they say that their toddler has bedtime issues.  That's just ridiculous!"  

Then all of a sudden, I got it.  Christopher realized he could come into my room on his own and at any time he wanted.  I love my sleep so when he would come in crying, I would just pull him in bed with me and we would snuggle up and drift off peacefully together.  This has been continuing for the past six months.  We tried a pallet on the floor but it didn't work very well.  I would give in.

On Sunday, Jeff told me enough was enough.  He could no longer sleep in our bed and that if we wanted to do a pallet, fine but no more bed.  So begins our new journey of training Christopher to listen, obey, and stay in his room.  We have a mattress on the floor set up so if he comes in the middle of the night, he can sleep there but he is not allowed up in bed with us.  What's great about the entire situation is that Jeff doesn't hear a thing, I get to be awake and help Christopher understand the new program.  It's just awesome...but I want to honor my husband in his needs and wants so I'm trying my best.

Tears are associated with this training and loss of sleep on my end.  It's not a fun process.  This morning I slept until almost 9am because I didn't sleep much last night.  Christopher wasn't in my room, breakfast hadn't been made, and we needed to leave in 15 minutes to make it to bible study on time.  I walk out of my room and see Mark and Jacob working on school, Christopher dressed and chores done.  I asked Mark to help with breakfast as I took a shower.  It was sweet mercies this morning seeing routines that worked, boys that are helpful, and a life that I love.  Every challenge comes with the Lord's grace and today I was granted a sweet gift from each one of my boys.

I am thankful that I am no longer a parenting expert, that I fail daily, and that I am still loved by my family and my Savior.

Deep Breath and Count to 10

I had a small meltdown today.  I am feeling overwhelmed and powerless in all circumstances.  Really, I guess that's what I need.  The more inadequate I feel, the more I lean on my Savior.  But gosh it's hard.  I'm so used to planning, controlling, and being one step ahead yet today I feel like I'm drowning.

About ten years ago, I remember having a moment like the one I had earlier.  I was in college coming close to graduation, Jeff and I had been married for about three years and he was just transferred to Houston. I was taking 18 hours, working full-time and living in the dorm.  That was an experience in and of itself!  So here I was sitting in class, trying to figure out how to juggle all that I had going on, and I just began to cry.  I was scared of failure, missing my husband, and just plain tired.  Fast forward seven months and guess what, I made it through just fine!

So here we are today...shoes needing to be bagged, paperwork needing signatures and completion, a garage sale and bake sale needing attention, true thank you notes needing to be written, Jeff's job situation, forms not being completed properly, and homeschooling pressures.  Everywhere I look, something major is needing to get done and my precious baby is sitting somewhere wondering if he will ever have a family.  Jeff and I found ourselves fighting against one another today and not with each other.  We are both overwhelmed, scared, and trying to trust in His sovereignty but our weaknesses are shining through. You know, no matter how hard I try to have it together on the outside I'm a complete mess through and through.  I want to hear his voice, tell him we are coming, and to kiss those sweet dimples.

I can't wait to look back and see how it all worked out and that God knew from the beginning that everything would be used to bring glory to His name.  I can keep telling myself that He is in control, He will be glorified, and that Satan will not have my joy, but I want to believe it deep down in my core!

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On another note, the past week has been astonishing in so many ways! I had a phone call from my pastor saying he wants to share our story and have a church wide shoe drive, two different friends texted me about the shoes they are collecting and the efforts that are being made, a donation came in unexpectedly from two different people, a garage FULL of stuff people have donated towards our garage sale, and amazing possibilities in the near future.  Mark and Jacob had an incredible day of school and the work they both produced was outstanding.  The blessings are full, my heart is complete, and I have some of the best friends and family anyone could ever imagine!  And this song sums it up so well; a song that Mark is so eloquently learning how to play on the piano.  We love singing this in our home.

God is so good.  God is so good.  God is so good.  He's so good to me!     

Lord,

I need you in ways that I can not even verbalize.  My heart aches, my soul is thirsty, and my body is tired.  You were, am, and always will be and I need to trust that you have paved a way specifically for Marco to come home.  May I trust you, feel your presence, and be overwhelmed by your peace.  You alone are in control.  Help me know that I am nothing without you and only you can bring rest and fulfill our needs.  

    

 

That Many

Words that have meaning.  Meaning that grips my core and can push me to the edge.  Words that bring me joy, peace, and an abundance of faith.

Why do you want "that many" kids and "that many" boys?!
You need "that many" shoes?
Why does it cost "that many" dollars?
You spend "that many" hours a day with your kids?

Today those words were found in a math problem that took hours for my sweet 8 year old to understand. And I lost my mind "that many" times because of it.  It's amazing how words can be so powerful and it's not until I sit down in the quiet of my living room that I'm able to reflect back and see had I just rested in the Lord's peace, the words would have meant nothing to me.

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Homeschool.  A scary word today, and boy am I glad nobody saw how this day went.  It was hard. period.

I require a lot of my boys and I am constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing.  Do they have too many chores, are they being held to a standard that isn't attainable, have I given enough grace but also followed through when necessary, do they feel loved and connected?  I desire for them to be trustworthy, responsible, obedient, but full of joy, peace, kindness and love.  I want them to love God with all their heart and to have a desire to please Him. But today, "that many" kept me from seeing what they were and led me to think about all that they weren't.  Today I had the desire to put them back in school, let a teacher deal with their learning struggles, and a system that would educate, discipline, and mold them into young men.  Some days I truly hate homeschooling and truly hate the mom I become when school gets hard, lies are pouring out of their mouths, and messes are made without being cleaned up.  What am I doing?  I ask myself this question so often.

If I would allow God to work through me in these moments, it would be glorious but so often I fail miserably and realize I lost my patience, got frustrated, and brought turmoil on my family "that many" times.  But once again, my boys love me and give me grace when I don't deserve it.  They are truly amazing and when I look deep in their eyes I see young men that will become something great and will do wonderful things for the kingdom of God.  

I am thankful.  Thankful for days like today.  I receive forgiveness, see unconditional love, and healing hearts right in front of me.  I see progress in math and reading, amazing handwriting, and boys excited to serve each other, play together, and grow deeper in their faith.  Today I am thankful for the messes that are made, the home we have to grow in and make memories together, little boys cleaning the kitchen and "thank you" coming from their mouths for the dinner they are eating.  The prayers at the table, the music from their lips, the joy on their face when grandma walks through the door.  I am blessed with a husband that supports and prays for us, friends that I haven't talked to in years reaching out to me, blessings from strangers on my donation site, phone conversations about adoption and smelly shoes.  Today I am thankful.  It is because of days like today that I see God's goodness so clearly and I'm ready to wake up to a new day tomorrow.  I can't wait to see how God will work in my messes again.

That many.  Yes, I want "that many" kids and "that many" boys, I want "that many" shoes, and I will pay "that many" dollars any day to bring my sweet Marco back home.  My life is full of "that many" and I thank you God for it all.

Forgiveness

How do you forgive someone that has hurt you?  It's hard and I struggle with it often.

I'm in the middle of a women's bible study at my church and it's all about prayer.  One of the sessions was on bitterness and how those feelings in your heart keep you from a relationship with God and that if we don't forgive we can't grow in our faith.  I can see this working in my own life yet I still struggle with it.  What's the difference between forgiveness and a relationship?  Can you have one without the other?  How do you protect your own heart as well as your family's heart but still forgive? What exactly does this look like?

As I write this today, my heart is hurting.  Hurting not because I miss Marco but because of words that someone close to us is spraying over our family.  One of the hardest parts of our journey in adopting both our three boys and now Marco is having to explain, justify, or fight for their rights to belong as a Payne.  I know and can understand how adoption can be uncomfortable to talk about or to understand but we truly feel like we are being obedient to a calling set before us.  And our life has more joy now than ever before.  

So in situations like this, what do I do?  Relationships have been completely severed because they weren't emotionally safe for my boys, and I doubt my decision often.  I truly want to do what's best and what honors my Father but I'm not sure what that always is.  Do I end relationships with people that harm us emotionally even though they are family or do I hold my tongue, move forward, and pretend like what they say and how they act holds no weight?  I'm struggling now because I see four beautiful faces that did not come from my body but faces that I love so deeply it hurts, and the words of disgust, disappointment, and belittling showered down over us by the people that once looked at us with the same joy that I have when I look at my boys.

Where do you stand?  Have you ever ended a relationship with a family member?  What does forgiveness look like to you?