Don't Lose Heart

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

2 Corinthians 4:16

 Plans of watching my husband play softball, sitting in the bleachers on a beautiful fall evening, seeing the smiles on my boys' faces as daddy steps to the plate, and snuggled together because 73 all of a sudden feels crisp and cool was my hope for tonight.  But now at 7:30, everyone is tucked in bed and Jeff is off to his game and I'm sitting here wondering if what I did was the right thing.

..........

Today was going to be a good day and this week was going to be great.  The week was planned and assignment sheets were filled out, grocery shopping was done, meal prep was taken care of and an impromptu field trip made the list for an outing today.  I spent time in the Word and worked with my youngest on learning a bible verse together, all while feeling confident in how things were going.  

On the way to our "field trip", the boys working on school in the back of the car, I started receiving some concerning questions regarding assignments.  A little back information first:

You see, about ten weeks ago I embraced a new teaching philosophy and have truly enjoyed the freedom that it offered.  We focus heavily on reading, writing, and math with all being self-taught.  At first, there were many obstacles that we had to overcome but within about three weeks, the boys were excelling and loving the new program.  With it being self-directed, there is not much micromanaging from me as their teacher but that also means that things can go unnoticed for several days.  

And that's what came to light today.

Part of their studies is learning new vocabulary that they see in their reading.  They are given one or two new words every day to learn and a vocabulary map to fill out.  They are also to practice daily their current unit words .  Each unit has about 20 words that they will complete in about a three week time span. And no, their work isn't always fun, engaging, or gets them excited.  Sometimes it's just work and I'm ok with that.  

My oldest has reached his first quiz and I quickly realized that he had not been studying his words. The heart issue that actually came out was the fact that he had been lying about it for the past two weeks.  When I would ask him if he had studied his words for the day he enthusiastically told me "Yes!" and I believed him.  And then, his brother came clean and verbalized the same sin.  They both had been lying incessantly in order to get "finished" quicker and move on with their day; a.k.a. playing.

To make matters worse, we were meeting several families at the park this afternoon to hang out with an old friend we all hadn't seen in months.  I wanted to go and wanted to allow Christopher time to play but that meant that I had to decide whether to let them play and implement a consequence once we were home or to make them sit out and do school while all their friends were playing.  Well, I made them sit and work.  I reminded them that they expressed to me that playing was the most important thing to them, so much so that they would lie or cheat their way out of schoolwork in order to play.  And as their mom, my job is to help point them to God and remove any stumbling blocks that I have control over.  So I removed their playtime so they could work hard and not worry about it becoming a distraction.  They will get to spend this week working at catching up on their vocabulary. They both knew and agreed that doing so made sense.  They weren't happy but didn't argue as they realized what they did was not in their best interest.  But then I had a problem.

It's really hard to implement discipline in the midst of other people.  For some reason, the enemy showed up today and quickly began speaking lies to me.  And I started to believe them: "You aren't a good mom." "You don't know what you're doing." "You're too hard on them." "Give it up already."  I hadn't felt this self-conscious in a long time.  My embarrassment wasn't that my kids weren't perfect but that someone else thought I wasn't doing what was best.  

..........

Tonight, as I sat down to write, several things came to mind. 

1. Remember, God chose YOU to be the parents your children needed.  And that looks different for everyone.
2. 2 Corinthians 4:16 reminded me that my heart and the hearts of my boys are being renewed daily and that sin does not need to be comfortable for anyone.  
3. I don't care if my kids are at the top of their class, can recite a bunch of dates or facts, or be the best athlete. My prayer and deepest desire is to point them to Christ in order for them to lay down their cross and follow Him.   
4. Forgiveness is not code for "no consequences". 

I want to leave you with this as a reminder when doubts creep in and insecurities surface

Our struggle is not with flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces in this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.  

Ephesians 6:12