About ten years ago, I remember having a moment like the one I had earlier. I was in college coming close to graduation, Jeff and I had been married for about three years and he was just transferred to Houston. I was taking 18 hours, working full-time and living in the dorm. That was an experience in and of itself! So here I was sitting in class, trying to figure out how to juggle all that I had going on, and I just began to cry. I was scared of failure, missing my husband, and just plain tired. Fast forward seven months and guess what, I made it through just fine!
So here we are today...shoes needing to be bagged, paperwork needing signatures and completion, a garage sale and bake sale needing attention, true thank you notes needing to be written, Jeff's job situation, forms not being completed properly, and homeschooling pressures. Everywhere I look, something major is needing to get done and my precious baby is sitting somewhere wondering if he will ever have a family. Jeff and I found ourselves fighting against one another today and not with each other. We are both overwhelmed, scared, and trying to trust in His sovereignty but our weaknesses are shining through. You know, no matter how hard I try to have it together on the outside I'm a complete mess through and through. I want to hear his voice, tell him we are coming, and to kiss those sweet dimples.
I can't wait to look back and see how it all worked out and that God knew from the beginning that everything would be used to bring glory to His name. I can keep telling myself that He is in control, He will be glorified, and that Satan will not have my joy, but I want to believe it deep down in my core!
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On another note, the past week has been astonishing in so many ways! I had a phone call from my pastor saying he wants to share our story and have a church wide shoe drive, two different friends texted me about the shoes they are collecting and the efforts that are being made, a donation came in unexpectedly from two different people, a garage FULL of stuff people have donated towards our garage sale, and amazing possibilities in the near future. Mark and Jacob had an incredible day of school and the work they both produced was outstanding. The blessings are full, my heart is complete, and I have some of the best friends and family anyone could ever imagine! And this song sums it up so well; a song that Mark is so eloquently learning how to play on the piano. We love singing this in our home.
God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He's so good to me!
Lord,
I need you in ways that I can not even verbalize. My heart aches, my soul is thirsty, and my body is tired. You were, am, and always will be and I need to trust that you have paved a way specifically for Marco to come home. May I trust you, feel your presence, and be overwhelmed by your peace. You alone are in control. Help me know that I am nothing without you and only you can bring rest and fulfill our needs.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
ReplyDeleteThis battle I know well. For me, true peace came when I realized that I am weak, I don't have it all together, I fall so short, but God wants to use me anyway. In fact, He knew how I was going to struggle, how you were going to struggle before He ever called us according to the purposes He has for us. He knew how you would struggle with homeschool some days, and yet He called you to it. He knew how adoption would challenge you and cause you to struggle, but He called you to it anyway. Marriage, children, life, it can be so hard, but hard can be the greatest gift that we can be given. Because only when we truly are humbled and see that we can't do it all, handle it all, know it all, only then can we truly rely on the Lord and not our competent selves. So while it hurts to struggle, if it drives us closer to our God and further from our selves, would we choose any other way? God has had to rip my self suffiency out of my hands. I had it in a death grip. :) it hurts like crazy, but thru the hurt and the hard I learned so much I never would have seen. It's like He whispering, "it's ok, I know it hurts, I know you can't, let Me heal you, let me carry you, child you can't, but I can. Just hold my hand, I won't let you go. " <3 keep on Momma. I so appreciate your honesty and transparency. Your not alone. We all are weak. Every last competent one of us. :)