Do They Remember

A question I get asked often about my two older boys is if they remember their biological parents. And the answer is an absolute YES!  They remember the joys, good times, and their love for their mom.  From the beginning, we have tried to keep an open dialogue about their parents (J-mom and C-dad) and I work really hard at maintaining a positive attitude when they bring them up.  There will be months that they speak of them on a weekly basis and then weeks will go by where their names don't come up at all.

A song, or some food, or maybe it's a commercial on TV that triggers a memory and they want to share.  There are days that Mark has cried over missing J so much and desires to go live with her again and then there are days that they both are scared.  Scared that somehow they will be taken away and that the nightmare that they experienced will never go away.

It's hard to know that their heart will always love J and if I'm honest, the selfish part of me wants them all to myself.  I don't want to share them with her then, now, or ever.  They will have a connection to her that will never go away and there will be a day that they will seek her out again. And I have two choices...I can pretend it's not going to happen and forbid any sort of relationship or I can support and help them in their choice.

In my cabinet are pictures they've drawn for her, letters they've written wrinkled from tears, and in their bedroom are two photo albums filled with pictures from their past.  Pictures J put together and gave to them knowing the outcome.  We sit and flip through the pages staring at sweet chubby babies, funny poses, and tender memories.  Each time they look, their heart grieves and their pain is a reminder of why we all need Jesus.  Sin brought these boys to me but Jesus is restoring their souls and creating a story that will bring honor and glory to Him.

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Let's back up about 19 months.  Without going into too much detail, the night we were headed to pick up the boys to move in with us, J and C were arrested.  It's truly a heartbreaking story and from the beginning my heart has been broken for their parents.  What brought them in jail is nothing short of what most of us would have done had we been faced with similar circumstances.  I'm not excusing or condoning their behavior but after loving these boys for the past 19 months, I would fight to my death if someone was going to take them from me.  I can understand where they were coming from.

In January, Mark was called to testify against his dad.  There was nothing I could do to get him out of it and it had been 16 months since he had seen him.  I was scared, scared of losing all that we had gained with our boys and scared that I was somehow going to lose his heart.  I walked into the courtroom with Mark that day and was humbled beyond belief.  Here was this man that (from what I was told) had not shown any emotion throughout the entire trial and then broke into tears when he saw his oldest walk through the doors.  I wanted somehow to tell him that his boys were ok, that they were loved and cherished, and that he was forgiven.  I wanted him to know that I loved him because he once loved them and I often pray that one day I will get to tell him.  After it was over, I went into the bathroom and cried like never before.  Sin had entered into this family and destroyed it.  My three precious boys were only allowed into my heart and home because of the work that Satan did; yes, I know God brought them to me but it's because He works all things out for the good of those that know and love Him.  It's not because breaking up this family was part of His divine plan.  The pain that I saw that day is indescribable and as a family we pray that there will be restoration in the relationships with both of them.

Now fast forward to this week.  The boys hadn't asked about J and C lately and I don't usually bring it up on my own but after a song triggered a memory, Jacob asked if their mom was out of jail yet and I told him no and then told him that she was sentenced to seven years. Both of them were speechless. Just yesterday, I found out that their dad was sentenced to 25 years and telling them that was hard. Neither one of them knows or understands and to think that he could be 50 years old when he gets out is hard to comprehend.  But God is working in all of this.

I wake up this morning and Jacob tells me he had a dream.  He said that he dreamed that C had asked God to come into his heart.  I smiled and said "wow, what a dream!! I bet God is working in his heart right now."

Maybe, just maybe God shared that revelation with Jacob and maybe our prayers have been answered and C now knows the Lord.  Pray for the hearts of my boys and the hearts of J and C.  What a beautiful story it will be to see God working in and through each of them.

My boys have a beautiful heart, one that forgives easily, loves others, and is passionate about life.  I am blessed to be called their mom no matter if I was the first or the 11th.  But I will be the last.