Praying with the Paynes: Saying Goodbye

3:30, my alarm goes off. It's pitch black outside and quiet in the house. My babies are sleeping. If I don't wake anyone up and just go back to sleep, maybe he doesn't have to go. Maybe he can just stay forever. My heart was hurting. Thirty-two days of Marco, that's all we've had together. Thirty-two days of being a family of six and thirty-two days of my boys having another brother. Thirty-two days...
We wake up, get dressed, and sneak out of the house making sure we don't wake the cousins. As we drove to the airport, there was quiet all through the car. Silence breaks as Christopher asks

"can I go with Marco to Fillpeens?"

My baby, the one who struggled the most with our newest addition, is going to miss him. My throat clogs up and I begin to feel the first tears. As we walk into the airport, memories fill my mind of just one month ago being in the same place, picking up a little boy that we had never met, and flashbacks over the last 32 days of falling in love. I realized that this was the end and I had no idea when I would see him again. I began to sob, right there in the middle of the terminal. Jeff grabs me and I bury my face in his chest. I didn't want to say goodbye.

We got to be with him and the four other loves for about an hour. I watched him and his sweet friends laugh and talk in their language. Families there soaking up the last few moments with their kids, sharing memories of their time together, and holding them close. The time comes to send them through security and give them one last hug and kiss. Marco buries his head in my side, tears streaming down his face and I bend down, look into his eyes and tell him I love him and will see him soon.

"I love you too, Mommy"

He goes to Jeff, holding him close and just cries. I look around and see tears flowing everywhere. Brothers and sisters, moms and dads, and the precious kids. Hurting hearts and no way to mend them. As we say our last goodbyes I turn and look at Jeff and see tears running down his cheeks. Our wedding day was the last time I've seen him cry-almost 12 years ago- and his heart is breaking to the point he can't hide it. This child has changed us all.

..........

As the music plays and crowds fill in to worship, all I can do is cry. He's supposed to be here with us, there's an empty seat beside me and he's not here. I look over at my sweet boys and see my precious Mark crying. I pull him close and finally just pick him up. He lays his head on my shoulder and we stand, listening to the music, praising our Savior, and bawling our eyes out. At that moment I saw more of the story. I saw Mark experiencing another loss, remembering his own story and reliving the losses he's already had. The excruciating pain of losing Marco, a boy he's come to know and love as his brother and losing his own family of origin. And having no control over any of it.

I got to love on Matk and hold him for most of the service, my 10 year old, my sweet, sensitive boy growing up and becoming an amazing young man. I never did get to wipe Mark's tears when he was a baby, or spend precious time in the middle of the night attaching and sacrificially loving him, but the Lord awarded that time to me today. It's a moment that I will treasure.

I keep looking for him, counting my boys looking for the one that's missing and then realizing he's not here. We are a family of five, waiting for number six to return. I'm holding on to hope that we will be reunited again and that God will work miracles in this story.

Thank you sweet friends for checking on us today and praying for our family. We are hurting but I trust that our pain will turn to joy soon!