How do you forgive someone that has hurt you? It's hard and I struggle with it often.
I'm in the middle of a women's bible study at my church and it's all about prayer. One of the sessions was on bitterness and how those feelings in your heart keep you from a relationship with God and that if we don't forgive we can't grow in our faith. I can see this working in my own life yet I still struggle with it. What's the difference between forgiveness and a relationship? Can you have one without the other? How do you protect your own heart as well as your family's heart but still forgive? What exactly does this look like?
As I write this today, my heart is hurting. Hurting not because I miss Marco but because of words that someone close to us is spraying over our family. One of the hardest parts of our journey in adopting both our three boys and now Marco is having to explain, justify, or fight for their rights to belong as a Payne. I know and can understand how adoption can be uncomfortable to talk about or to understand but we truly feel like we are being obedient to a calling set before us. And our life has more joy now than ever before.
So in situations like this, what do I do? Relationships have been completely severed because they weren't emotionally safe for my boys, and I doubt my decision often. I truly want to do what's best and what honors my Father but I'm not sure what that always is. Do I end relationships with people that harm us emotionally even though they are family or do I hold my tongue, move forward, and pretend like what they say and how they act holds no weight? I'm struggling now because I see four beautiful faces that did not come from my body but faces that I love so deeply it hurts, and the words of disgust, disappointment, and belittling showered down over us by the people that once looked at us with the same joy that I have when I look at my boys.
Where do you stand? Have you ever ended a relationship with a family member? What does forgiveness look like to you?
Dear friend...this stirs so much in my heart for you. I know of course, no one can tell you exactly what to do, and that's hard and freeing all in the same breath. I believe, there are times when it's necessary to sever relationships. I don't think that forgiveness means continuing in relationship when either party isn't safe. (This is different in marriage, of course, but I don't believe that's what you're referring to). Motherhood strips us to the core. And we are no longer looking out for ourselves or our spouses only - which are adults who can on some level separate the hurt - but we are looking out for tender children's hearts & souls who need us to shelter them. Sadly, we can't protect them from everything, but there are some things we can. We wouldn't run them into a burning building, would we? We wouldn't take them to a huge amusement park, walk away and not keep an eye on them, right? You get the idea...so if your heart, and Jeff's are in agreement about keeping certain relationships at bay for now, keep it up. Keep praying about it and for those hurting you.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, I think you as adult know you've moved towards forgiveness when you are no longer deeply hurt and emotionally respond (in big ways) towards a person who's hurt you. This takes time, but in my experience, it did happen -- with huge doses of time, with the Lord's help of course, & amazing friendships, but now I feel more sadness and honestly, pity for those who've caused the pain. They have missed out on such joy, and I hope one day they let the RADICAL Savior of our hearts repair their wounds. If HE does, then maybe one day, relationship on this side of Heaven can be restored. I firmly believe that when true change happens, fear will dissipate and their approach to you (and me) will look extremely different.
As a fellow warrior in this battle, I hope that help just a smidge. All my love!!!! Call me or text me if you want to chat more!
I think about this often. I've had to cut off a relationship with my mom. Lying, false accusations of a criminal nature against other relatives 30 years after the fact, discussing it within earshot of my child and intimating she might tell her directly and destroy that child's innocence, using my relationship with the accused as a tool of manipulation, constantly bringing a cloud of upheaval with her every time she called, which took my energies away from my husband and child. With all this, I still question my decision all the time. At communion, when they say, "If you have a dispute with your brother..." I worry that I shouldn't take communion til I can set it straight. I worry that if forgiveness doesn't have a tangible, visible effect on outcomes, is it just hot air? I worry I'm breaking the commandment of honoring my mother and father. Did I do EVERYTHING I could have? Would it just have been spinning my wheels if I had? But I also know that I cannot control whether someone embraces truth or not, and I can't just go along when that person makes a lie permeate most of our interactions. It would be a sin to let her harm my child, and somehow, I don't think God wants us to allow a situation of abuse to go unchecked. So hard. I pray for her and I try to maintain an attitude of forgiveness toward her in my heart, and I trust God's goodness, mercy, and understanding toward me if I'm in error. Prayers for the healing of your situation.
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