That Many

Words that have meaning.  Meaning that grips my core and can push me to the edge.  Words that bring me joy, peace, and an abundance of faith.

Why do you want "that many" kids and "that many" boys?!
You need "that many" shoes?
Why does it cost "that many" dollars?
You spend "that many" hours a day with your kids?

Today those words were found in a math problem that took hours for my sweet 8 year old to understand. And I lost my mind "that many" times because of it.  It's amazing how words can be so powerful and it's not until I sit down in the quiet of my living room that I'm able to reflect back and see had I just rested in the Lord's peace, the words would have meant nothing to me.

..........

Homeschool.  A scary word today, and boy am I glad nobody saw how this day went.  It was hard. period.

I require a lot of my boys and I am constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing.  Do they have too many chores, are they being held to a standard that isn't attainable, have I given enough grace but also followed through when necessary, do they feel loved and connected?  I desire for them to be trustworthy, responsible, obedient, but full of joy, peace, kindness and love.  I want them to love God with all their heart and to have a desire to please Him. But today, "that many" kept me from seeing what they were and led me to think about all that they weren't.  Today I had the desire to put them back in school, let a teacher deal with their learning struggles, and a system that would educate, discipline, and mold them into young men.  Some days I truly hate homeschooling and truly hate the mom I become when school gets hard, lies are pouring out of their mouths, and messes are made without being cleaned up.  What am I doing?  I ask myself this question so often.

If I would allow God to work through me in these moments, it would be glorious but so often I fail miserably and realize I lost my patience, got frustrated, and brought turmoil on my family "that many" times.  But once again, my boys love me and give me grace when I don't deserve it.  They are truly amazing and when I look deep in their eyes I see young men that will become something great and will do wonderful things for the kingdom of God.  

I am thankful.  Thankful for days like today.  I receive forgiveness, see unconditional love, and healing hearts right in front of me.  I see progress in math and reading, amazing handwriting, and boys excited to serve each other, play together, and grow deeper in their faith.  Today I am thankful for the messes that are made, the home we have to grow in and make memories together, little boys cleaning the kitchen and "thank you" coming from their mouths for the dinner they are eating.  The prayers at the table, the music from their lips, the joy on their face when grandma walks through the door.  I am blessed with a husband that supports and prays for us, friends that I haven't talked to in years reaching out to me, blessings from strangers on my donation site, phone conversations about adoption and smelly shoes.  Today I am thankful.  It is because of days like today that I see God's goodness so clearly and I'm ready to wake up to a new day tomorrow.  I can't wait to see how God will work in my messes again.

That many.  Yes, I want "that many" kids and "that many" boys, I want "that many" shoes, and I will pay "that many" dollars any day to bring my sweet Marco back home.  My life is full of "that many" and I thank you God for it all.