If you only knew

Throughout this journey, starting with my first three boys and now Marco I continue to hear how wonderful Jeff and I are for doing this.  First let me preface this with saying that it does feel good to have someone compliment you on what you're doing but at the same time I get awfully uncomfortable. I am not doing this for admiration or praise.  I am not any more wonderful or gifted than you.  I am simple, compassionate, crazy in love with my family and sin filled beyond compare.  Let me give you an example of one of my days, days where I lose my temper, get frustrated, and just fail miserably. (and the day I'm about to share isn't even one of the worst) 

My middle son is my challenge.  He is precious and has a smile that can melt your heart.  He has intense compassion for others, loves little ones, and works hard at making others feel welcome.  This precious boy lives life with gusto and passion and has zero cares in the world.  Sounds amazing, doesn't he?  I wish I could say that I see his amazing qualities every day. That when I look at him, I just fall deeper in love.  But I don't.  I'm the hardest on him, yell more that I ever thought I would, and lose my temper more with this precious baby than he ever deserves.  

I homeschool and truly love it.  It's hard and frustrating but I really enjoy being at home with all my boys every day, but some days make me want to run away.  On Monday, I told Jacob that he needed to work on his binder and organize it.  He's an eight year old boy that has little desire to be organized and structured, so asking him to be organized is completely foreign to him.  He was told to put his math in order: 9a, 9b, 9c...10a-10g...etc just through 13e.  Not. Hard. At. All.  (at least I didn't think so) He lollygagged all day long and still wasn't finished by bedtime.  So on Tuesday, I told him he had to finish it before we left for our co-op.  He loves going to co-op and I just knew that would motivate him to work.  He appeared to be working hard and fast but when he handed me his binder with papers falling out of the rings, in random order, and presented it to me as if it's perfection I lost it.  I didn't handle it well and pulled all the papers out of the binder and threw them up in the air.  It then began to snow math worksheets in our living room.  Fix it, I tell him.  Correctly this time.  Of course he doesn't finish in time to go and I leave him at home with my mom.  He's sobbing and I'm wondering if I should just let him go and give him another chance later.  My pride wins and I tell myself there is no way I'm going to deliver an empty threat.  Connect, stay calm, give opportunities to be successful, help them know you're on their team-that's what the books say but why don't I do it? I know what to do, how to do it, but lose it every time.  This is just one example of many.  My precious, precious boy stays in trouble with me.  

Eat correctly, do that again, why aren't you listening?!, Did you hear me??, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!, we've already gone over this 1,245,654 times!  

But still he smiles, says he loves me, and continues to bring joy to others.      

This part of my life, the part that you never see leaves zero room for admiration and respect.  There are days I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good.  These are the days I have doubt for my abilities to be a good mom and why on earth would I be signing up to be doing this again.  Surely God can find someone more equipped, with more patience, and a softer voice.  Being a mom is the hardest job I've ever done.  How can I be so mean to someone I love so much?  I am filled with sin and need His redemption and grace every single day.  So when I get these sweet words of admiration, respect, and "you're amazing" from my precious friends I don't feel any of these things. I feel guilt, sadness, and embarrassment.  I am no better than you but then I remember what the bible says: 

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

So every day I go without yelling and have patience and compassion it is because of Him and His power over my sin!